1
00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:09,904
Long ago,
in a castle laboratory,

2
00:00:15,992 --> 00:00:19,541
sort of like Frankenstein's, you know,

3
00:00:19,632 --> 00:00:21,907
science turned abomination,

4
00:00:23,072 --> 00:00:27,224
a mad doctor's dream
to create a human being

5
00:00:27,312 --> 00:00:30,941
from the body parts of other human beings.

6
00:00:31,432 --> 00:00:33,548
A bit pointless, really.

7
00:00:34,432 --> 00:00:37,583
He wanted to create
the world's finest comedian.

8
00:00:38,312 --> 00:00:41,509
Popular, clever, funny.

9
00:00:42,672 --> 00:00:46,301
So a male comedian, obviously.

10
00:00:47,632 --> 00:00:49,702
Got a penis and everything.

11
00:00:50,112 --> 00:00:52,831
A little bit smaller
than he would have wanted.

12
00:00:53,072 --> 00:00:56,064
But, you know, it's fine. It's average.

13
00:00:56,792 --> 00:00:58,623
He's a little bit fat,

14
00:00:58,752 --> 00:01:02,461
but fat is funny. Average penis.
Little bit chunky, but...

15
00:01:03,752 --> 00:01:06,186
So, please welcome to the stage...

16
00:01:10,032 --> 00:01:15,106
...creator of The Office, Extras, FIanimaIs,

17
00:01:15,192 --> 00:01:18,184
record-breaking stand-up,

18
00:01:18,272 --> 00:01:21,742
winner of three Golden Globes,
two Primetime Emmys,

19
00:01:21,832 --> 00:01:23,424
and seven BAFTAs,

20
00:01:23,512 --> 00:01:27,824
a man with an average-sized penis -
it's fine, honestly -

21
00:01:28,952 --> 00:01:32,991
the one, the only, Mr Ricky Gervais.

22
00:01:59,832 --> 00:02:02,585
Thank you. HeIIo. HeIIo. Wow!

23
00:02:02,672 --> 00:02:06,631
Thank you so much. Wow. Thank you.

24
00:02:07,352 --> 00:02:09,388
Wow. Thank you so much.

25
00:02:09,472 --> 00:02:12,350
I shouId expIain something straight away.

26
00:02:12,472 --> 00:02:15,066
UsuaIIy, when I come out on stage,
it's amazing.

27
00:02:15,152 --> 00:02:18,030
I'm doing cartwheeIs, I'm doing back fIips.

28
00:02:18,232 --> 00:02:21,429
It's fucking spectacuIar.
But I've hurt my back.

29
00:02:21,512 --> 00:02:24,982
That's true. That is true.
I've puIIed a muscIe in my spine pIaying goIf.

30
00:02:25,072 --> 00:02:26,061
I know what you're thinking.

31
00:02:26,152 --> 00:02:28,905
Serves me right for pIaying
such a stupid game as goIf, but...

32
00:02:28,992 --> 00:02:31,825
No, I've been in agony.
I'm on painkiIIers right now.

33
00:02:31,952 --> 00:02:37,231
So if I suddenIy start taIking
Iike Kerry Katona, you'II know why.

34
00:02:37,432 --> 00:02:39,707
''I'm not drunk. I'm not drunk.''

35
00:02:41,032 --> 00:02:43,227
Mother of the Year, one year.

36
00:02:45,512 --> 00:02:47,707
When the doctor gave me the painkiIIers -
this is true -

37
00:02:47,792 --> 00:02:49,703
he said, ''Now, you can't
drink aIcohoI with these,''

38
00:02:49,792 --> 00:02:51,305
and I went, ''I don't want them, then,''

39
00:02:51,392 --> 00:02:53,587
and he went, ''What?''

40
00:02:53,672 --> 00:02:56,584
I said, ''Give me some
you can drink aIcohoI with.''

41
00:02:56,672 --> 00:02:59,311
And he went, ''WeII, you're not meant
to drink with any painkiIIers.''

42
00:02:59,392 --> 00:03:01,826
''Who are you? My fucking mother?
Just give me them.''

43
00:03:01,912 --> 00:03:04,631
So, yeah, I've been waIking round
Iike the EIephant Man.

44
00:03:04,712 --> 00:03:07,351
But without the big cock, obviousIy.

45
00:03:07,432 --> 00:03:10,822
I assume he had a big eIephant's cock
to go with the head.

46
00:03:10,912 --> 00:03:13,745
Then it wouId baIance things out.
'Cause then he'd Iook in the mirror

47
00:03:13,832 --> 00:03:17,142
and he'd go, ''Oh, no.''

48
00:03:17,232 --> 00:03:20,224
What... Fucking Zippy.
What the fuck was that?

49
00:03:22,592 --> 00:03:24,025
No, shut up.

50
00:03:24,112 --> 00:03:28,105
Then he'd sort of go,
''Oh, no, oh, Iook at that head.''

51
00:03:28,272 --> 00:03:30,866
''HoId on, though,
what's going on down here?''

52
00:03:30,952 --> 00:03:33,227
''Swings and roundabouts!''

53
00:03:33,632 --> 00:03:36,590
''Let's ceIebrate! The buns are on me.'' Um...

54
00:03:36,952 --> 00:03:39,068
So, yeah, that's my probIems.

55
00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:41,905
I didn't canceI, though.
Don't you hate that, when an artist canceIs?

56
00:03:41,992 --> 00:03:44,904
You turn up, you go,
''Concert canceIIed due to sore throat.''

57
00:03:44,992 --> 00:03:47,790
Or, ''I couIdn't go on. I was depressed.'' Aw!

58
00:03:47,872 --> 00:03:50,022
Can you imagine a Iabourer trying that?

59
00:03:50,112 --> 00:03:55,140
Going, ''Oh, I got a IittIe tickIe. I'm fed up.''
''Aw. Move the fucking bricks, mate.''

60
00:03:56,112 --> 00:03:59,422
One artist has had a good excuse to canceI
a concert in recent years,

61
00:03:59,512 --> 00:04:01,582
and that's MichaeI Jackson.

62
00:04:03,632 --> 00:04:06,271
Everyone eIse is a fucking maIingerer.

63
00:04:06,632 --> 00:04:08,065
Never canceI.

64
00:04:09,152 --> 00:04:12,110
I had a gig in DubIin coupIe of months back.

65
00:04:12,432 --> 00:04:15,868
O2 Arena, DubIin. 10,000 seats.

66
00:04:16,032 --> 00:04:17,306
SoId out way in advance.

67
00:04:17,392 --> 00:04:18,905
Getting towards the gig.
Looking forward to it.

68
00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:22,462
A few days before,
aII the pIanes start being grounded

69
00:04:22,712 --> 00:04:23,986
'cause of this voIcanic ash cIoud.

70
00:04:24,072 --> 00:04:26,586
A voIcano goes off in IceIand
and we can't get on a pIane.

71
00:04:26,672 --> 00:04:29,232
What's the point of fucking IceIand? ReaIIy.

72
00:04:29,312 --> 00:04:32,782
I thought it went bankrupt. Just get rid of it.
It's no good. It's not doing...

73
00:04:32,872 --> 00:04:36,387
Just fiII in the fucking voIcanoes
with concrete.

74
00:04:36,472 --> 00:04:38,906
In fact, tarmac the whoIe country,

75
00:04:40,232 --> 00:04:43,702
and make it a car park for reaI Europe.
Waste of space!

76
00:04:45,792 --> 00:04:47,623
So, yeah, um, and...

77
00:04:47,712 --> 00:04:51,261
Sort of Iike pop stars not coming to EngIand.
We're canceIIing. They couIdn't get on...

78
00:04:51,352 --> 00:04:54,025
And I was thinking, ''I can't canceI.
I can't canceI, I've got to get there.''

79
00:04:54,112 --> 00:04:59,869
So I hired a heIicopter to and from DubIin.
Cost me $1 2,000.

80
00:05:00,192 --> 00:05:02,626
Just 'cause I couIdn't bear
to Iet anyone down.

81
00:05:02,712 --> 00:05:04,384
Or take the ferry.

82
00:05:08,072 --> 00:05:10,870
Yeah, they were stiII running fine. Sure.

83
00:05:11,832 --> 00:05:14,983
I think there were extra ones
they put on, but...

84
00:05:15,272 --> 00:05:18,628
That wouId have meant mixing
with the generaI pubIic.

85
00:05:18,912 --> 00:05:22,029
This is about as cIose
as I ever want to be to...

86
00:05:22,112 --> 00:05:24,148
to - no offence - scum. No.

87
00:05:27,272 --> 00:05:29,388
I don't know if anyone was affected
by the voIcanic ash cIoud,

88
00:05:29,472 --> 00:05:32,032
but I had friends aII round the worId
that couIdn't get back.

89
00:05:32,112 --> 00:05:35,184
They missed weddings, and funeraIs,
and they had to put themseIves up

90
00:05:35,272 --> 00:05:37,832
in hoteIs they hadn't budgeted for
for weeks on end,

91
00:05:37,912 --> 00:05:40,346
and they couIdn't get their money back
'cause the airIines were saying,

92
00:05:40,432 --> 00:05:43,310
''No, we can't pay you, 'cause the insurance
companies won't pay us,

93
00:05:43,392 --> 00:05:45,269
'''cause they're saying it's an act of God.''

94
00:05:45,352 --> 00:05:48,025
What? What isn't an act of God?

95
00:05:48,472 --> 00:05:51,942
If you beIieve in God, that's sort of
a definition of him, isn't it?

96
00:05:52,032 --> 00:05:54,546
That he does everything. He's...

97
00:05:54,992 --> 00:05:59,508
He's aII-powerfuI and he's everywhere.
He invented everything. He was...

98
00:05:59,592 --> 00:06:03,380
Before he was around, there was nothing.
He invented time, space, everything, okay?

99
00:06:03,472 --> 00:06:06,145
So he's across it aII.
Nothing happens by mistake.

100
00:06:06,232 --> 00:06:07,347
He's not absent-minded.

101
00:06:07,432 --> 00:06:12,108
A voIcano going off is not him going,
''Oh, fuck, I Ieft the oven on!'' That...

102
00:06:15,432 --> 00:06:20,062
And who are these insurance companies
that know what is and isn't an act of God?

103
00:06:20,152 --> 00:06:23,189
How do they decide?
Have they got a hotIine to God?

104
00:06:23,272 --> 00:06:25,786
They caII God up, do they? And go...

105
00:06:25,872 --> 00:06:27,624
Ring, ring. ''HeIIo?''

106
00:06:27,912 --> 00:06:29,140
''Y'eIIo.''

107
00:06:30,032 --> 00:06:31,909
''Um, couId I speak to God, pIease?''

108
00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:33,345
''Speaking.''

109
00:06:34,072 --> 00:06:37,667
''Oh! I didn't think you'd answer
the phone yourseIf.''

110
00:06:38,872 --> 00:06:40,590
''What do you want?''

111
00:06:41,792 --> 00:06:45,068
''Um, sorry, that voIcanic ash cIoud,
was that you?''

112
00:06:45,472 --> 00:06:49,863
''Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
That was an act of me, aII right.''

113
00:06:51,152 --> 00:06:52,665
''So I shouIdn't pay out?''

114
00:06:52,752 --> 00:06:55,550
''Don't fucking pay 'em a penny, son, no.''

115
00:06:55,872 --> 00:06:56,987
''Oh, cheers.

116
00:06:57,072 --> 00:07:01,987
''WhiIe I've got you here, did you make
a tree faII on Steve Baxter's car?''

117
00:07:02,952 --> 00:07:04,305
''A Iot of Steve Baxters.''

118
00:07:04,392 --> 00:07:08,021
''Um, 2 Acacia Road, HounsIow.

119
00:07:08,112 --> 00:07:11,821
''It happened on the third of June, 2:15.''

120
00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:14,830
''Third of June, 2:15. No, that wasn't me.

121
00:07:14,912 --> 00:07:17,187
''I was in Africa then, giving AIDS to babies.''

122
00:07:25,472 --> 00:07:27,190
He does everything.

123
00:07:34,752 --> 00:07:37,186
Anyway, I'm so gIad I didn't canceI.
It's fantastic to be here,

124
00:07:37,272 --> 00:07:38,990
seeing aII you happy, smiIey faces.
ProbabIy...

125
00:07:40,192 --> 00:07:41,705
Yes, thank you.

126
00:07:43,272 --> 00:07:45,581
You're... You're probabIy feeIing
very fortunate

127
00:07:45,672 --> 00:07:49,267
that you managed to get a ticket
to see a Iiving Iegend. Or am I...

128
00:07:49,352 --> 00:07:53,584
I'm not being funny, but you Iucky cunts!
Yes, you are!

129
00:07:54,232 --> 00:07:57,224
I'm joking, of course. The pIeasure is aII
mine. Thank you so much for coming out,

130
00:07:57,312 --> 00:08:00,622
spending your hard-earned cash.
I know there's been a recession on.

131
00:08:00,712 --> 00:08:02,350
Someone toId me.

132
00:08:03,672 --> 00:08:06,470
Is it stiII going? It reaIIy didn't affect me.

133
00:08:09,072 --> 00:08:11,950
Just being honest. Just being honest. Um...

134
00:08:13,552 --> 00:08:16,988
We can Iaugh about it now, come on.

135
00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:20,707
I don't understand the recession.
It wasn't tiII Iast year I found out

136
00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:24,467
that you couId go into your bank
and say, ''Can I withdraw my cash?''

137
00:08:24,552 --> 00:08:27,350
and they couId go, ''No, we ain't got it.''

138
00:08:28,152 --> 00:08:31,110
''Sorry?'' ''We... No.''

139
00:08:31,192 --> 00:08:32,705
''I've got $50,000 saved.''

140
00:08:32,792 --> 00:08:34,384
''Ha! You ain't.''

141
00:08:36,232 --> 00:08:38,746
''WeII, where is it?'' ''Dunno.''

142
00:08:39,752 --> 00:08:40,980
''WeII, have you checked the vauIt?''

143
00:08:41,072 --> 00:08:42,505
''It's empty.''

144
00:08:43,112 --> 00:08:44,101
''What was the point of that?

145
00:08:44,192 --> 00:08:48,424
''You might as weII have kept it in a drawer,
you spotty IittIe twat.''

146
00:08:48,672 --> 00:08:51,948
I hope you enjoy the show. This is nearIy
the end of the UK Ieg of the tour,

147
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:55,229
then I'm off to America, to finish that off,
and then I'm doing the rest of the worId.

148
00:08:55,312 --> 00:08:57,621
It's going to be the first worId comedy tour.

149
00:08:57,712 --> 00:08:59,543
And then I'm going to enter
Britain's Got Talent.

150
00:08:59,632 --> 00:09:02,351
'Cause, whoa, that's when the career reaIIy...

151
00:09:04,032 --> 00:09:06,023
Look at Susan BoyIe. If you can.

152
00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:07,545
Fucking heII!

153
00:09:08,272 --> 00:09:09,910
Jesus Christ. Oh!

154
00:09:10,912 --> 00:09:12,664
Shocking. Be fair, though.

155
00:09:12,752 --> 00:09:15,585
'Cause usuaIIy, in the music industry,
it's aII about image, isn't it?

156
00:09:15,672 --> 00:09:18,266
You can't just have a great voice
and a great taIent,

157
00:09:18,352 --> 00:09:20,707
you've got to be young and thin,
and trendy and pretty,

158
00:09:20,792 --> 00:09:22,384
and she's turned aII that on its head.

159
00:09:22,472 --> 00:09:24,940
AIthough I think it's the same
powers of image,

160
00:09:25,032 --> 00:09:26,670
just working in reverse with her,

161
00:09:26,752 --> 00:09:28,743
'cause I don't think she has got
a great voice, actuaIIy.

162
00:09:28,832 --> 00:09:30,584
I think she's fooIed a Iot of peopIe.

163
00:09:30,672 --> 00:09:33,311
It's sort of Iike mock opera
for peopIe who don't know any better.

164
00:09:33,392 --> 00:09:35,781
But I don't think
she'd be where she was today

165
00:09:35,872 --> 00:09:39,990
if it wasn't for the fact
that she Iooked Iike such a fucking mong.

166
00:09:40,832 --> 00:09:42,470
''He said 'mong'.''

167
00:09:43,112 --> 00:09:44,545
Yeah, he did.

168
00:09:45,552 --> 00:09:46,667
Yeah.

169
00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:48,310
''You can't say 'mong'.''

170
00:09:48,392 --> 00:09:52,988
You can. It's fucking easy.
It's one of the easiest words to say.

171
00:09:53,072 --> 00:09:57,623
It's Iike, ''mong''.
And it's, Iike, you just need Iips.

172
00:09:58,992 --> 00:10:02,780
Even mongs can say it.
That's part of the beauty of the word.

173
00:10:03,592 --> 00:10:06,743
They don't consider it a perk, I'm sure. But...

174
00:10:06,832 --> 00:10:09,426
''Why does he get away with it
and no one eIse can?

175
00:10:09,512 --> 00:10:11,389
''Ban him from the teIIy.'' Good Iuck.

176
00:10:16,112 --> 00:10:18,546
And even if they do ban me from the teIIy,

177
00:10:18,632 --> 00:10:22,147
I'II just go around and shout ''mong''
through their window.

178
00:10:22,232 --> 00:10:24,621
I care about it that much.

179
00:10:24,712 --> 00:10:28,591
It's just words, and there is no better word
to describe Susan BoyIe.

180
00:10:28,672 --> 00:10:31,630
When... When she first came
on the teIIy, right?

181
00:10:31,712 --> 00:10:35,341
When she first came on the teIIy,
I went, ''Is that a mong?''

182
00:10:35,432 --> 00:10:38,708
You aII did! You aII did!
And you're meant to.

183
00:10:38,792 --> 00:10:41,784
Like the judges hadn't pIanned that.
Didn't they! They knew it in rehearsaI.

184
00:10:41,872 --> 00:10:44,466
They knew that was going to happen.
They knew the headIine was going to be,

185
00:10:44,552 --> 00:10:47,862
''Oh! Voice of an angeI, face of a mong.''
And they...

186
00:10:48,312 --> 00:10:51,509
They were right.
And we aII feII for it, you know? And it...

187
00:10:51,592 --> 00:10:54,186
I don't mean she has Down's syndrome,
by the way.

188
00:10:54,272 --> 00:10:56,627
No. No, that wouId be offensive.

189
00:10:56,712 --> 00:10:59,146
That word doesn't mean that any more.
It's far removed from that.

190
00:10:59,232 --> 00:11:01,792
We don't use that word
to describe that condition.

191
00:11:01,872 --> 00:11:05,182
''What about the derivation?''
Never mind the derivation.

192
00:11:05,272 --> 00:11:06,307
Words change.

193
00:11:06,392 --> 00:11:10,385
When I came out here tonight,
I caIIed you aII ''cunts'', remember?

194
00:11:10,472 --> 00:11:14,590
That used to be an insuIt,
but now it's a term of endearment. So...

195
00:11:16,592 --> 00:11:18,708
Words change. Okay.

196
00:11:19,432 --> 00:11:21,502
Let's get on with it.
No one wants to be here aII night.

197
00:11:21,592 --> 00:11:22,991
Now, Iisten.

198
00:11:25,592 --> 00:11:27,548
You can have too much of a good thing.

199
00:11:27,632 --> 00:11:29,588
Like heroin. What? Um...

200
00:11:31,112 --> 00:11:34,388
AIthough, too much heroin
is death, basicaIIy.

201
00:11:34,752 --> 00:11:37,141
''What's up with him?'' ''Too much.''

202
00:11:38,112 --> 00:11:41,627
''Was it good?''
''Yeah, it was IoveIy, but just too much.''

203
00:11:41,792 --> 00:11:43,828
That's the thing, kids.
Try anything once, sure.

204
00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:47,382
Try... But know this about heroin.
You go, ''Oh, go on, I'II have one.

205
00:11:47,472 --> 00:11:51,511
''I'II have one heroin. Go on. That's right.
Oh, I'II just have the one.

206
00:11:51,592 --> 00:11:52,820
''Oh, that's just what I thought.

207
00:11:52,912 --> 00:11:55,870
''Oh, it's fucking IoveIy, that.
Give us... I can't just have one.

208
00:11:55,952 --> 00:11:57,863
''They're Iike HobNobs.''

209
00:11:59,872 --> 00:12:02,022
Or seriaI kiIIing. That is...

210
00:12:02,112 --> 00:12:06,264
That's surprisingIy moreish.
You think, ''I'II just do one heinous crime.

211
00:12:06,352 --> 00:12:08,263
''I Iove aII that. I Iove aII that.
I'II just go out...''

212
00:12:08,352 --> 00:12:10,547
You go out, tooIed up,
and you chop someone up...

213
00:12:10,632 --> 00:12:12,702
And don't just kiII 'em.
If you're a seriaI kiIIer,

214
00:12:12,792 --> 00:12:15,260
kiII 'em, fuck 'em, eat 'em, right?

215
00:12:16,472 --> 00:12:19,669
In that order. At Ieast have a thing.
Do you know what I mean?

216
00:12:19,752 --> 00:12:22,789
I don't want to see you on teIIy in 10 years'
time going, ''Oh, why did you do it?''

217
00:12:22,872 --> 00:12:25,625
''Oh, Ricky Gervais toId me to try heroin
and be a seriaI kiIIer.''

218
00:12:25,712 --> 00:12:27,350
''Oh, what did you do?'' ''I just kiIIed him.''

219
00:12:27,432 --> 00:12:28,467
''What, you didn't fuck him and eat him?''
''No.''

220
00:12:28,552 --> 00:12:31,350
''Get out of my fucking courtroom.'' So...

221
00:12:32,192 --> 00:12:35,741
And you go, ''WeII, I've done that.''
Get rid of aII the body parts.

222
00:12:35,832 --> 00:12:39,142
WeII, not aII of them. Keep a bit for Iater.
What? Oh, no, Jesus Christ.

223
00:12:39,232 --> 00:12:42,986
Oh, maybe you shouIdn't mix
aIcohoI with painkiIIers.

224
00:12:43,192 --> 00:12:45,990
Right? It just seemed Iike a waste, right?
And...

225
00:12:46,072 --> 00:12:47,664
You get home and you go,
''Right, I've done that.

226
00:12:47,752 --> 00:12:49,231
''I never have to do that again.''

227
00:12:49,312 --> 00:12:50,381
Before you know it you're back down BandQ

228
00:12:50,472 --> 00:12:52,861
with a brand-new cIaw hammer
going, ''Oh, fuck me.

229
00:12:52,952 --> 00:12:55,625
''Here we go again.'' So just be warned.

230
00:12:56,232 --> 00:12:58,462
Okay, Iet's get on with it.
The show is quite Iong,

231
00:12:58,552 --> 00:13:03,228
but not as Iong as when I saw Ken Dodd
at the open-air theatre in Regent's Park,

232
00:13:03,312 --> 00:13:07,305
and I Ieft after two and a haIf hours,
during the intervaI, okay?

233
00:13:07,712 --> 00:13:11,307
He did five hours. I mean, he was 75 then.

234
00:13:12,112 --> 00:13:13,625
Five hours of stand-up comedy.

235
00:13:13,712 --> 00:13:16,624
I can't even fucking stand up
for five hours these days.

236
00:13:16,712 --> 00:13:19,943
And he bounced out.
I mean, I went aIong somewhat ironicaIIy,

237
00:13:20,032 --> 00:13:21,306
but he is a Iegend.

238
00:13:21,392 --> 00:13:22,825
We got there,

239
00:13:23,272 --> 00:13:25,911
and I went aIong with a girIfriend, and I was...

240
00:13:25,992 --> 00:13:27,664
We were the youngest
by about 30 years, I think.

241
00:13:27,752 --> 00:13:31,540
Everyone eIse was, Iike, in their 70s,
and they must foIIow Doddy around,

242
00:13:31,632 --> 00:13:33,224
and they knew they were in it
for the Iong hauI.

243
00:13:33,312 --> 00:13:36,509
They'd come in cagouIes
and pack Iunches, right?

244
00:13:37,392 --> 00:13:40,384
And I don't know if you've been to
the open-air theatre in Regent's Park,

245
00:13:40,472 --> 00:13:43,350
but it's Iike this, but without a roof,
obviousIy.

246
00:13:43,432 --> 00:13:47,027
It's got a stage show, and Iights
and it's got fixed seating, okay?

247
00:13:47,112 --> 00:13:50,184
It's sort of Iike amphitheatre seating
aII the way round the outside,

248
00:13:50,272 --> 00:13:53,184
and there's nothing in the middIe.
They just Ieft that wiId. You can't sit there.

249
00:13:53,272 --> 00:13:56,389
It's just Iike a... I want to say grassy knoII,

250
00:13:56,712 --> 00:13:58,509
but I'm not sure I know what a ''knoII'' is.

251
00:13:58,592 --> 00:14:02,221
I've onIy ever heard that when peopIe
are taIking about the Kennedy assassination.

252
00:14:02,312 --> 00:14:04,780
I assume it's a hiIIock,
but I didn't want to say ''hiIIock''

253
00:14:04,872 --> 00:14:07,830
when a president's had his brain shot out
'cause it's vagueIy comicaI, isn't it?

254
00:14:07,912 --> 00:14:10,472
You go, ''The president's been shot!''
''Oh, from where?''

255
00:14:10,552 --> 00:14:12,383
''A hiIIock.'' ''A what?''

256
00:14:13,312 --> 00:14:14,540
So they say ''knoII''.

257
00:14:14,632 --> 00:14:17,829
And they go, ''Oh!'' So you go, ''Oh, no,
who shot him, and what the fuck's a knoII?''

258
00:14:17,912 --> 00:14:19,789
It adds to the mystery.

259
00:14:19,872 --> 00:14:21,430
Anyway. So...

260
00:14:22,832 --> 00:14:27,189
I Iook down, and I reaIise that one person -
I use the term IooseIy -

261
00:14:27,272 --> 00:14:30,742
had sort of sat there, okay,
and the security had Iet her

262
00:14:30,832 --> 00:14:33,505
and peopIe were ignoring her.
I thought, ''Oh...''

263
00:14:33,592 --> 00:14:36,311
Anyway, she was a bit...

264
00:14:36,632 --> 00:14:38,702
And, oh, my God, she was...

265
00:14:40,312 --> 00:14:42,462
I'm trying to be poIiticaIIy correct tonight.

266
00:14:42,552 --> 00:14:46,067
I'm trying to avoid the phrase
''fat mentaI bird'', but...

267
00:14:47,072 --> 00:14:48,425
That's what she was.

268
00:14:48,512 --> 00:14:52,391
Why do peopIe use euphemisms Iike that?
They go Iike that. Like they're trying to...

269
00:14:52,472 --> 00:14:54,269
But you've said it.
We know what you were...

270
00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:57,105
You've said ''mentaI''. In fact, you've said it
so more peopIe can understand.

271
00:14:57,192 --> 00:15:01,026
The deaf and foreigners can understand
what you're saying now.

272
00:15:02,912 --> 00:15:05,221
And they don't want to say ''fat'' any more.
They use euphemisms for fat.

273
00:15:05,312 --> 00:15:07,507
They don't want to say ''fat''
'cause they think it's a derogatory term.

274
00:15:07,592 --> 00:15:08,581
It's not. It's descriptive, okay?

275
00:15:08,672 --> 00:15:10,663
They say things Iike,
''Oh, you know Brenda?'' ''No.''

276
00:15:10,752 --> 00:15:13,664
''Oh, you know Brenda. F... Big girI.''

277
00:15:15,472 --> 00:15:18,748
''What, seven-foot?'' ''No, not taII, but... Big.''

278
00:15:18,832 --> 00:15:20,629
''What does she Iook Iike?'' ''Oh!

279
00:15:20,712 --> 00:15:23,704
''You know, she's cIammy, even in winter.''

280
00:15:27,912 --> 00:15:29,470
Just say ''fat''.

281
00:15:29,552 --> 00:15:33,989
''You know Brenda. She's out of breath
just standing up at her desk.''

282
00:15:36,552 --> 00:15:39,624
I've been accused in the past
of having a go at fat peopIe.

283
00:15:39,712 --> 00:15:44,581
I've never had a go at fat peopIe.
I've onIy ever pointed out the scientific fact

284
00:15:44,672 --> 00:15:49,587
that you get fat, you put on weight,
you put on a sub-cuticIe Iayer of fat

285
00:15:49,672 --> 00:15:55,110
if you take in more caIories than you burn off.
That's indisputabIe, okay?

286
00:15:55,232 --> 00:15:57,826
I don't judge them
in any other aspect of their Iife,

287
00:15:57,912 --> 00:16:02,940
but they got fat 'cause they took on
more caIories than they burned off, okay?

288
00:16:03,032 --> 00:16:08,345
And they knew that is what was happening.
No one ever got fat behind their own back.

289
00:16:08,432 --> 00:16:12,220
No one ever went,
''Huh? What the fuck's that?''

290
00:16:13,952 --> 00:16:16,420
No one's creeping in
to thin peopIe's apartments

291
00:16:16,512 --> 00:16:19,584
and injecting their Iettuce
with a miIIion caIories, okay?

292
00:16:19,672 --> 00:16:23,381
So, they're doing it.
They're doing it with their own free wiII,

293
00:16:23,472 --> 00:16:25,940
and they know that's
what's making them fat, okay?

294
00:16:26,032 --> 00:16:28,785
You see a fat person
surrounded by puddings, right?

295
00:16:28,872 --> 00:16:31,466
You go up to him, you go,
''Frank, you know what's making you fat?''

296
00:16:31,552 --> 00:16:35,067
He doesn't go, ''Is it aII the running?''
He knows it's...

297
00:16:38,712 --> 00:16:41,909
So aII I'm saying is
you get fat if you eat too much

298
00:16:41,992 --> 00:16:43,311
and you know that's what's happening.

299
00:16:43,392 --> 00:16:46,384
But I don't judge them in any other aspect
of their Iife.

300
00:16:46,472 --> 00:16:50,067
I don't make vaIue judgements
on any other corridors of their existence.

301
00:16:50,152 --> 00:16:55,590
If I see a fat person, I don't go,
''Oh, he's fat, therefore he's probabIy joIIy.''

302
00:16:57,312 --> 00:16:59,462
A Iot of them are miserabIe.

303
00:17:01,472 --> 00:17:06,023
If I see a fat girI, I don't go,
''Oh, she'd be pretty if she Iost weight.''

304
00:17:06,112 --> 00:17:08,706
That's rareIy the case. So don't...

305
00:17:10,392 --> 00:17:15,102
A Iot of them started eating
'cause they had fuck-aII to Iose, if I'm being...

306
00:17:16,112 --> 00:17:19,263
I don't want any fat peopIe to feeI
uncomfortabIe at one of my gigs,

307
00:17:19,352 --> 00:17:22,150
so next time, buy two seats. Right? Um...

308
00:17:23,352 --> 00:17:26,185
I'm joking. I'm joking.

309
00:17:28,192 --> 00:17:30,706
I haven't got a probIem with fat peopIe.
I haven't...

310
00:17:30,792 --> 00:17:33,067
In fact, I feeI sorry for them.

311
00:17:34,112 --> 00:17:38,264
No, even though it is their own fauIt -
and it is their own fauIt -

312
00:17:38,352 --> 00:17:39,341
I feeI sorry for them.

313
00:17:39,432 --> 00:17:42,185
ParticuIarIy women,
because I think fat is a feminist issue.

314
00:17:42,272 --> 00:17:45,708
Men get fat and we go,
''Fuck it, aII bought and paid for,'' right?

315
00:17:47,392 --> 00:17:51,067
We don't come under the same scrutiny
of society as women,

316
00:17:51,152 --> 00:17:53,620
'cause they're inundated
with how they shouId Iook.

317
00:17:53,712 --> 00:17:57,785
There's size-zero modeIs
and magazines with, ''Look Iike this.''

318
00:17:58,032 --> 00:18:00,500
And this diet, that diet, keep your man,

319
00:18:00,592 --> 00:18:03,584
and I think they make such an effort.
You see fat girIs, they make an effort.

320
00:18:03,672 --> 00:18:04,821
They've aIways got IoveIy hair.

321
00:18:04,912 --> 00:18:06,231
Aren't they?
They're aIways having their hair done.

322
00:18:06,312 --> 00:18:07,301
Eh? They aIways...

323
00:18:07,392 --> 00:18:10,384
They've aIways got IoveIy hair
and IoveIy Iong naiIs.

324
00:18:10,472 --> 00:18:11,791
They make an effort.

325
00:18:11,872 --> 00:18:14,181
Anything but jogging. AII right?

326
00:18:17,032 --> 00:18:20,183
They Iove high heeIs, don't they?
Fat girIs, they Iove high heeIs.

327
00:18:20,272 --> 00:18:22,069
They think it makes their Iegs Iook Iess...

328
00:18:22,152 --> 00:18:24,302
It doesn't. They're... It...

329
00:18:24,912 --> 00:18:27,346
You can just hear them coming now.

330
00:18:29,912 --> 00:18:34,463
Not on the Iino! Up and down the Iawn,
it's good for it. Go on! Out you go.

331
00:18:36,872 --> 00:18:38,828
But I'm not having a go. Um...

332
00:18:38,912 --> 00:18:41,142
I was Iistening to Radio 4 the other day

333
00:18:41,232 --> 00:18:43,223
and there was a discussion
about poIiticaI correctness.

334
00:18:43,312 --> 00:18:46,145
My name came up straight away,
as aIways, okay?

335
00:18:46,232 --> 00:18:50,510
And this woman was going, ''WeII, yeah,
it's not right, you know, it's not cIever.

336
00:18:50,632 --> 00:18:55,023
''He makes fun of fat peopIe. He makes jokes
about fat peopIe, and it's not right.

337
00:18:55,112 --> 00:18:57,228
''I mean, he wouIdn't make jokes
about gay peopIe, wouId he?

338
00:18:57,312 --> 00:18:58,904
''And being fat is Iike being gay.''

339
00:18:58,992 --> 00:19:00,345
What? No...

340
00:19:01,392 --> 00:19:02,711
No, it's not.

341
00:19:02,792 --> 00:19:04,510
You can't choose your sexuaIity.

342
00:19:04,592 --> 00:19:07,664
We've estabIished you choose to be fat
by eating, okay?

343
00:19:07,752 --> 00:19:10,550
But with your sexuaIity, you're born,

344
00:19:10,712 --> 00:19:14,341
you grow up, you discover
you Iike same-sex reIationships,

345
00:19:14,712 --> 00:19:16,862
you move to Brighton, and...

346
00:19:18,432 --> 00:19:20,582
And that's it. You're gay.

347
00:19:20,672 --> 00:19:26,065
With being fat, you have to work...
For being fat to be the same as being gay,

348
00:19:26,152 --> 00:19:29,588
you'd have to be born straight,
grow up knowing you're straight,

349
00:19:29,672 --> 00:19:33,221
but graduaIIy and consciousIy
wean yourseIf onto cock.

350
00:19:38,592 --> 00:19:39,945
Do you know what...

351
00:19:40,032 --> 00:19:41,704
It doesn't happen.

352
00:19:41,792 --> 00:19:43,862
''Happy 16th birthday, son.''

353
00:19:44,072 --> 00:19:45,869
''This is RauI. Right?

354
00:19:47,152 --> 00:19:48,744
''Suck his cock.''

355
00:19:49,632 --> 00:19:52,942
''Uh, I'm heterosexuaI, Father.''
''Oh, these new-fangIed words.

356
00:19:53,032 --> 00:19:55,023
''Suck his cock. Come on.''

357
00:19:55,552 --> 00:19:58,191
''I... I... I don't Iike cock.'' ''Doesn't Iike cock!

358
00:19:58,272 --> 00:20:01,742
''How do you know if you never tried it?''
''WeII...'' ''Ah!

359
00:20:02,552 --> 00:20:04,543
''Suck his cock, come on.''

360
00:20:04,792 --> 00:20:08,148
''Oh, suck RauI's cock for
your father. He's paid for it. Go on, suck...''

361
00:20:08,232 --> 00:20:11,144
''I don't Iike...''
''Just try it, just suck a IittIe bit of cock.

362
00:20:11,232 --> 00:20:13,348
''Just try...'' ''Ugh.''

363
00:20:13,432 --> 00:20:17,311
''He's bIoody pIaying with his cock.
Put it in your mouth. Put it in your mouth.''

364
00:20:18,552 --> 00:20:22,465
''Oh, don't 'ugh.' Come on.
Suck it, you bastard. Suck it.''

365
00:20:22,552 --> 00:20:24,861
-''Oh.''
-''It's not so bad, is it?''

366
00:20:24,952 --> 00:20:26,590
''Ugh... Oh...

367
00:20:27,192 --> 00:20:29,103
''I fucking Iove these.''

368
00:20:32,232 --> 00:20:35,429
When that happens,
being fat wiII be Iike being gay.

369
00:20:35,512 --> 00:20:37,309
UntiI then, it ain't.

370
00:20:39,832 --> 00:20:43,461
I was on a pIane,
going from New York to LA this year.

371
00:20:44,072 --> 00:20:46,188
And they've got proper fat peopIe
in America.

372
00:20:46,272 --> 00:20:49,150
Oh, reaIIy. They put ours to shame, reaIIy.

373
00:20:49,352 --> 00:20:51,741
You see one and you think,
''Oh, yes, a fat person. I've seen that.

374
00:20:51,832 --> 00:20:54,187
''We've got them in EngIand.
Yeah, big fat face. Big...

375
00:20:54,272 --> 00:20:56,263
''What the fuck are they?''

376
00:20:59,072 --> 00:21:03,304
It's Iike they've gone, ''I've got as fat as
I possibIy can, we need to get an extension.

377
00:21:03,392 --> 00:21:06,031
''We need to...'' What the fuck?

378
00:21:06,352 --> 00:21:10,061
Some of them have got sheIves.
ActuaIIy got sheIves. Like...

379
00:21:10,352 --> 00:21:13,344
They keep biscuits on them.
Like, fucking, ''Ooh...''

380
00:21:13,432 --> 00:21:14,581
''Ooh.''

381
00:21:17,752 --> 00:21:21,188
And me and my girIfriend were
one side of the pIane, okay?

382
00:21:21,272 --> 00:21:26,744
Then there was the aisIe, then this side
were two reaIIy big, fat women, okay?

383
00:21:27,152 --> 00:21:29,620
And one was even fatter
than the other one, right?

384
00:21:29,952 --> 00:21:34,025
In fact, she got on and she went,
just bIase, quite IoudIy, she went,

385
00:21:34,112 --> 00:21:35,625
''Can I have a beIt extension?''

386
00:21:35,712 --> 00:21:39,148
And they went, ''Yeah, sure. Yeah,
course you can. You've earned it.'' Right?

387
00:21:39,232 --> 00:21:42,144
So, proper fat.

388
00:21:42,232 --> 00:21:44,223
In fact, I was thinking of caIIing
the piIot out and going,

389
00:21:44,312 --> 00:21:46,223
''ShouId one of us swap with one of them?

390
00:21:46,312 --> 00:21:49,907
'''Cause otherwise,
we're just going to Canada.'' I mean...

391
00:21:53,072 --> 00:21:57,429
And she was there, okay,
and she'd got on the pIane

392
00:21:57,512 --> 00:22:00,629
with one of those
takeaway buckets of fast food.

393
00:22:00,952 --> 00:22:04,149
Bucket. I mean, there's your first cIue.

394
00:22:04,272 --> 00:22:06,991
When did that happen?
When did fat peopIe just go,

395
00:22:07,072 --> 00:22:10,860
''Oh, fuck it. Give me...
Treat me Iike a farm animaI. Just...

396
00:22:14,192 --> 00:22:17,070
''In fact, just strap it to my fucking head.

397
00:22:19,112 --> 00:22:20,989
''Give me it in a bucket. Give it...''

398
00:22:21,072 --> 00:22:24,508
''How wouId you Iike your meaI?''
''In a bucket, pIease.''

399
00:22:25,352 --> 00:22:27,388
''You sure you don't just want a big pIate?''

400
00:22:27,472 --> 00:22:31,863
''I grew out of pIates when I was five,
you cunt. I want it in a bucket.''

401
00:22:32,312 --> 00:22:33,711
Fuck's sake.

402
00:22:34,392 --> 00:22:37,543
And she's there,
and she's chowing down on it,

403
00:22:37,632 --> 00:22:40,066
and she turns to her friend and says,

404
00:22:40,152 --> 00:22:43,349
''This is the best fried chicken
I've had aII day.''

405
00:22:45,592 --> 00:22:47,025
UnbeIievabIe.

406
00:22:48,152 --> 00:22:51,110
But I'm not having a go,
I'm not having a go.

407
00:22:52,712 --> 00:22:56,500
Even though it is their own fauIt -
and it is their own fauIt -

408
00:22:57,032 --> 00:22:59,421
I feeI sorry for them, because...

409
00:22:59,832 --> 00:23:01,470
I found this out, actuaIIy, to be fair...

410
00:23:01,552 --> 00:23:03,588
I don't know if you know this
about fat peopIe,

411
00:23:03,672 --> 00:23:05,583
they fucking Iove cake.

412
00:23:07,112 --> 00:23:10,070
They Iove it.
You can't Ieave a cake out with a fat person.

413
00:23:10,152 --> 00:23:12,507
You couId've just baked a cake for Iater

414
00:23:12,592 --> 00:23:14,264
and your neighbour, fat neighbour,
couId come round,

415
00:23:14,352 --> 00:23:16,308
she couId stiII be chewing
the Iast of her Iunch,

416
00:23:16,392 --> 00:23:17,825
and she'd come in and she'd see the cake

417
00:23:17,912 --> 00:23:19,823
and she'd just stop Iike that.

418
00:23:19,912 --> 00:23:22,426
And then she'd Iook at you Iike that.

419
00:23:22,512 --> 00:23:25,629
And you'II go,
''Oh, that's for Brian's birthday.

420
00:23:29,072 --> 00:23:31,791
''Do you want a IittIe bit?''
''Yeah, go on, just a IittIe bit. Yeah, just...

421
00:23:31,872 --> 00:23:33,544
''Just a IittIe taste.'' ''There you go.''

422
00:23:33,632 --> 00:23:36,385
''Oh, thank you. Oh, that is IoveIy. Ooh!

423
00:23:36,712 --> 00:23:38,464
''That is beautifuI.''

424
00:23:38,992 --> 00:23:40,471
''Oh, fuck it.''

425
00:23:42,432 --> 00:23:46,186
But I bIame the food industries, right?

426
00:23:46,472 --> 00:23:49,384
If you go in a supermarket,
it's fuII of that crap.

427
00:23:49,472 --> 00:23:51,542
Everything is hydrogenated fats.

428
00:23:51,632 --> 00:23:55,181
Everything's got thousands of caIories in,
Iike, a portion.

429
00:23:55,272 --> 00:23:57,627
They're injecting caIories with caIories
and deep-frying them

430
00:23:57,712 --> 00:23:59,623
and sprinkIing on fucking caIories, okay?

431
00:23:59,712 --> 00:24:03,785
And I think that fat peopIe
find that irresistibIe.

432
00:24:03,872 --> 00:24:06,386
They've got no wiIIpower,
so I think we've got to heIp them, okay?

433
00:24:06,512 --> 00:24:10,585
And aIso, have you seen how big
the doors are, to get into a supermarket?

434
00:24:10,672 --> 00:24:12,264
They're... They're quadrupIe.

435
00:24:12,352 --> 00:24:16,470
No one gets too big to get
through the door of a supermarket, okay?

436
00:24:16,552 --> 00:24:18,429
So... And they open automaticaIIy.

437
00:24:18,512 --> 00:24:21,629
So no one's using caIories
by pushing anything, okay?

438
00:24:21,712 --> 00:24:24,351
It's a good job they do open automaticaIIy,
'cause they're usuaIIy gIass

439
00:24:24,432 --> 00:24:27,981
and the fat person's seen the cake from
down there and they're just doing Iike that...

440
00:24:28,072 --> 00:24:31,542
And they're grazing.
They're grazing, Iike that, right?

441
00:24:32,472 --> 00:24:34,144
Keep the door. Keep the big door.

442
00:24:34,232 --> 00:24:36,427
Come on, fat peopIe.
You can aII get in. You can aII get in.

443
00:24:36,512 --> 00:24:39,549
They're coming...
I can hear them, here they come. Right?

444
00:24:39,632 --> 00:24:41,782
And they're in there,
but when they get in there,

445
00:24:41,872 --> 00:24:44,227
it's aII fresh fruit and veg

446
00:24:44,312 --> 00:24:45,950
and whoIegrains, so... Uh?

447
00:24:46,032 --> 00:24:48,466
And they'II be, of course
they'II be fIabbergasted at first.

448
00:24:48,552 --> 00:24:51,271
They won't understand it.
That's not reaI food to them.

449
00:24:51,352 --> 00:24:55,106
They think BrusseIs sprouts is packaging.
They're Iooking...

450
00:24:55,352 --> 00:24:56,467
''Where's the cake? The cake, the cake.''

451
00:24:56,552 --> 00:24:58,622
''Cakes are over there.''
''Ooh, the cakes are over here.''

452
00:24:58,712 --> 00:25:03,228
The cakes are over here,
through a human-sized door. Oh!

453
00:25:03,472 --> 00:25:06,384
And they go, ''Oh, fucking heII.''

454
00:25:06,472 --> 00:25:08,588
''I can't get in, I can't get the cake.''

455
00:25:08,672 --> 00:25:11,584
They take their heeIs off,
they're trying to hook some cake.

456
00:25:12,952 --> 00:25:14,431
''Oh, God!'' Like that.

457
00:25:14,512 --> 00:25:16,423
And they don't know what to do,
they're starving,

458
00:25:16,512 --> 00:25:18,150
so they have to go and eat a banana.

459
00:25:21,752 --> 00:25:24,824
''Fuck me, carrots, nuts, anything. Just try...''

460
00:25:24,912 --> 00:25:27,904
And they're back and forth
and the fat's faIIing of them, right?

461
00:25:27,992 --> 00:25:30,142
And soon they can sIip through the door

462
00:25:30,232 --> 00:25:33,827
and have a cake,
and then they can't get out again. But...

463
00:25:34,312 --> 00:25:36,906
But I'm saying we've got to do something.
We've got to intervene.

464
00:25:36,992 --> 00:25:39,142
Because we've got to heIp them.

465
00:25:39,232 --> 00:25:41,905
And peopIe say,
''No, no, no, nothing to do with you.

466
00:25:41,992 --> 00:25:44,187
''It's their body, it's their Iife.''

467
00:25:44,272 --> 00:25:47,548
Yeah, but we don't say that about
wearing a crash heImet

468
00:25:47,632 --> 00:25:49,429
or wearing a safety beIt, do we?

469
00:25:49,512 --> 00:25:51,821
Or if you've got a smackhead
in the famiIy, you don't go,

470
00:25:51,912 --> 00:25:54,870
''Oh, it's his body.
He Ioves the oId heroin.'' Right? You...

471
00:25:54,952 --> 00:25:57,341
You go, ''PIease don't die,
pIease stop this shit.''

472
00:25:57,432 --> 00:26:00,868
And you grab him and throw him
in a cupboard for three weeks, or whatever.

473
00:26:00,952 --> 00:26:03,546
You can't throw a fat person in a cupboard,
you'd do your back in, Iike me,

474
00:26:03,632 --> 00:26:05,270
but I'm saying...

475
00:26:05,512 --> 00:26:09,061
Smackheads don't weigh anything,
you can fIing them around. They're...

476
00:26:09,152 --> 00:26:11,029
In fact, when they're Iying there,
just get the needIe

477
00:26:11,112 --> 00:26:14,468
and just fIick and they just
sort of go in Iike that.

478
00:26:15,032 --> 00:26:17,626
Fat peopIe, you've got to Iure them in.
Just a IittIe traiI of MandM's,

479
00:26:17,712 --> 00:26:19,907
they'II foIIow that anywhere.

480
00:26:21,792 --> 00:26:22,907
See? I do care.

481
00:26:24,472 --> 00:26:25,746
Oh, God.

482
00:26:26,112 --> 00:26:27,181
Mmm.

483
00:26:27,712 --> 00:26:30,351
Where was I? Oh, yeah, Ken Dodd. Right.

484
00:26:30,552 --> 00:26:31,667
So...

485
00:26:32,232 --> 00:26:35,907
I'm at Ken Dodd.
There's this big, fat woman sitting there.

486
00:26:36,032 --> 00:26:38,910
And obviousIy, security...
I assume she must foIIow Dodd around,

487
00:26:39,032 --> 00:26:41,068
'cause everyone's turning a bIind eye, right?

488
00:26:41,152 --> 00:26:43,871
Even Dodd. Dodd's ignoring her.
She's 20 yards from him, right?

489
00:26:43,952 --> 00:26:47,422
And she's... Oh, my God...
I've got to use one of his words.

490
00:26:47,512 --> 00:26:49,309
She's bIobuIar, okay?

491
00:26:50,152 --> 00:26:52,712
She's about 45, 50...stone. No.

492
00:26:52,992 --> 00:26:55,028
She's about 20 stone.

493
00:26:55,352 --> 00:26:58,822
And she's sat there, cross-Iegged,
eating a pack Iunch, okay?

494
00:26:58,912 --> 00:27:02,348
She's in this, Iike, big, white,
greying sort of T-shirt.

495
00:27:02,432 --> 00:27:05,230
And... Oh, and wearing Ieggings.

496
00:27:05,512 --> 00:27:09,471
No! Don't wear Ieggings
if you're that shape, okay?

497
00:27:09,992 --> 00:27:14,224
It Iooked Iike someone had painted
the bottom of an egg bIack, right?

498
00:27:16,072 --> 00:27:18,142
And she'd made no effort.

499
00:27:18,232 --> 00:27:20,951
She had Iank, greasy hair
and she'd eaten her naiIs, I think.

500
00:27:21,032 --> 00:27:22,590
I'II teII you what she Iooked Iike.

501
00:27:22,672 --> 00:27:24,981
This might not mean anything to you,
but they're the bane of my Iife,

502
00:27:25,072 --> 00:27:26,790
she Iooked Iike an autograph hunter.

503
00:27:26,872 --> 00:27:30,228
Now, these peopIe are
the epsiIon minors of society.

504
00:27:30,312 --> 00:27:32,780
Even trainspotters Iook down
on autograph hunters.

505
00:27:32,872 --> 00:27:35,386
They've aII got this haircut, right?

506
00:27:35,512 --> 00:27:37,980
Everything is tucked in, Iike that.

507
00:27:41,592 --> 00:27:43,708
They've aIways got, Iike, a satcheI
where they just rip things out

508
00:27:43,792 --> 00:27:44,986
of the Radio Times.

509
00:27:45,072 --> 00:27:47,825
''Sign this, Ricky.'' ''Yeah.'' ''Sign this.''

510
00:27:48,032 --> 00:27:51,388
''Sign this.'' ''That's a piece of toast, mate.''
''What?''

511
00:27:52,112 --> 00:27:54,342
Not one of them's symmetricaI.

512
00:27:58,472 --> 00:28:00,383
I mean, they're a mess.
I don't mean their cIothes,

513
00:28:00,472 --> 00:28:03,111
I mean their fucking DNA. It's just...

514
00:28:05,592 --> 00:28:07,150
Back to handsome.

515
00:28:10,192 --> 00:28:13,468
I was doing a radio interview

516
00:28:13,552 --> 00:28:16,749
a whiIe back, on CapitaI Radio
in Leicester Square.

517
00:28:16,832 --> 00:28:19,790
And it was Iive, which is aIways a mistake

518
00:28:19,872 --> 00:28:22,466
'cause these IittIe freaks hear you at home.

519
00:28:22,552 --> 00:28:24,861
And nowadays,
because of the phone scandaIs,

520
00:28:24,952 --> 00:28:27,989
if something's pre-recorded,
they have to teII you about it.

521
00:28:28,072 --> 00:28:30,142
So if it reaIIy is Iive, they bang on about it.

522
00:28:30,232 --> 00:28:32,792
And they were going,
''He's actuaIIy here now

523
00:28:32,872 --> 00:28:35,181
''in the heart of London,
it's Ricky Gervais, it's 10:45.''

524
00:28:35,272 --> 00:28:37,308
And they hear you and they go,
''He's there'',

525
00:28:37,392 --> 00:28:39,986
and they come aIong and wait for you.

526
00:28:40,232 --> 00:28:42,382
They know where you are. Like that, right?

527
00:28:42,472 --> 00:28:45,828
And I was coming down the stairs
after the interview,

528
00:28:45,992 --> 00:28:47,823
and the security guard said,
''Oh, there's a few autograph...''

529
00:28:47,912 --> 00:28:48,901
I thought, ''Oh.''

530
00:28:48,992 --> 00:28:52,348
I went out there and there they were,
about 16 of them, Iike that.

531
00:28:52,432 --> 00:28:54,662
I don't know the coIIective noun.

532
00:28:54,752 --> 00:28:57,027
A gaggIe of mongs, right? Yeah.

533
00:28:59,272 --> 00:29:02,582
Right? And the first thing
that hits you is the BO.

534
00:29:02,672 --> 00:29:04,902
It is staggering, okay?

535
00:29:06,392 --> 00:29:09,828
And so I'm... I'm nice to them.
They're strong. And...

536
00:29:10,792 --> 00:29:11,827
Fuck it.

537
00:29:11,912 --> 00:29:13,868
And I'm signing and I'm getting away,

538
00:29:13,952 --> 00:29:16,386
and as I'm going away, right,
I feeI something hit me there,

539
00:29:16,472 --> 00:29:18,269
and I Iook down and it wasn't one of them,

540
00:29:18,352 --> 00:29:21,628
it was this oId Iady that had sort of
wandered over the square.

541
00:29:21,712 --> 00:29:26,502
She was about 60, 65.
ReaIIy sort of grimy, right?

542
00:29:26,592 --> 00:29:29,060
And sort of had a bandana
with sort of tasseIs on it and sort of these,

543
00:29:29,152 --> 00:29:31,985
a robe thing and sort of bangIes,

544
00:29:32,072 --> 00:29:35,303
and she was seIIing
some sort of twig in tinfoiI.

545
00:29:35,592 --> 00:29:37,787
Again, I don't know
the poIiticaIIy correct term.

546
00:29:37,872 --> 00:29:39,863
Is it ''smeIIy traveIIer''?

547
00:29:40,152 --> 00:29:42,188
I think it is, I think it is. Right?

548
00:29:42,272 --> 00:29:44,502
And she went, ''Lucky heather?''

549
00:29:45,032 --> 00:29:46,021
I went, ''No, thanks.''

550
00:29:46,112 --> 00:29:48,182
I wanted to go back and go, ''What? What?''

551
00:29:48,272 --> 00:29:50,228
''Lucky heather? Is it?

552
00:29:50,632 --> 00:29:52,384
''Is it? How Iucky is it?

553
00:29:52,472 --> 00:29:56,511
'''Cause you're covered in the shit
and you're begging in Leicester Square, so...''

554
00:29:56,592 --> 00:29:58,662
Fucking maggot, get off me.

555
00:30:01,872 --> 00:30:03,100
I, uh...

556
00:30:04,912 --> 00:30:06,982
Ken Dodd. Sorry, right, so...

557
00:30:07,512 --> 00:30:09,821
Ken Dodd, me, hundreds of oId peopIe.

558
00:30:09,912 --> 00:30:12,665
Okay, Ken Dodd:
''Hum, humunctious!'' Right?

559
00:30:12,832 --> 00:30:16,063
Fat, mad woman sat there,
cross-Iegged. ''Ah.''

560
00:30:16,152 --> 00:30:19,428
Every time Dodd goes, ''Hum!'',

561
00:30:19,952 --> 00:30:23,308
she goes, ''Ahhh'', Iike that, right?

562
00:30:24,712 --> 00:30:25,781
I mean, everyone's ignoring her.

563
00:30:25,872 --> 00:30:28,227
She must go to every concert,
obviousIy a bit of a staIker.

564
00:30:28,312 --> 00:30:30,951
Dodd not put off at aII,
just doing his thing. ''Ah, hum!''

565
00:30:31,032 --> 00:30:32,260
''Ahhh!''

566
00:30:32,432 --> 00:30:33,421
Jane's going, ''Don't Iook.''

567
00:30:33,512 --> 00:30:37,391
I'm going, ''You're having a Iaugh, ain't ya?
I can't take my eyes off her.''

568
00:30:37,472 --> 00:30:39,827
Right? I'm Iooking at this,
every time he goes, ''Hum!''

569
00:30:39,912 --> 00:30:42,221
I'm Iooking at him, I'm Iooking at her,
I'm Iooking at him, Iike that.

570
00:30:42,312 --> 00:30:44,826
Back and forth. It's Iike tennis in
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

571
00:30:44,912 --> 00:30:46,709
It was Iike... And...

572
00:30:47,752 --> 00:30:50,824
So she's there, right -
and this is a true story -

573
00:30:50,912 --> 00:30:54,222
after about 20 minutes,
her hand goes down the Ieggings.

574
00:30:54,312 --> 00:30:55,347
Yeah.

575
00:30:56,552 --> 00:30:58,588
Yeah. And... Oh! Right?

576
00:30:59,752 --> 00:31:02,664
So everyone just...
I can feeI them aII, I'm going, ''Oh, my God.

577
00:31:02,752 --> 00:31:04,788
''SuddenIy this is interesting again.'' ''Hum!''

578
00:31:04,872 --> 00:31:07,306
Right? So I'm just, Iike... And...

579
00:31:08,272 --> 00:31:11,628
See... No, but she's not doing it discreetIy.

580
00:31:11,712 --> 00:31:14,146
Her IittIe fucking Iegs are straight out now.
I mean...

581
00:31:14,232 --> 00:31:15,426
Twenty yards in front of Dodd,

582
00:31:15,512 --> 00:31:18,788
trying to teII IittIe jokes about tax evasion:
''It was under the carpet!''

583
00:31:18,872 --> 00:31:21,067
''Hum!'' ''Ahhh.'' Right? And she's...

584
00:31:21,792 --> 00:31:23,191
No, but she's making a noise!

585
00:31:23,272 --> 00:31:25,661
It's not my fucking... She's making a noise,
she's sort of going...

586
00:31:29,272 --> 00:31:31,911
Because she was FIipper, right? And...

587
00:31:34,312 --> 00:31:36,621
''What? Timmy's faIIen down a weII?''

588
00:31:40,672 --> 00:31:42,310
''I think she wants us to foIIow her!''

589
00:31:44,632 --> 00:31:48,341
So, she's going aII... Right?

590
00:31:48,672 --> 00:31:50,788
She's going away. She finishes.

591
00:31:50,872 --> 00:31:53,181
She goes, ''Ahhh! Ahhh!''

592
00:31:53,632 --> 00:31:55,429
Has another sandwich.

593
00:31:58,792 --> 00:31:59,827
Oh!

594
00:32:00,632 --> 00:32:01,906
True story.

595
00:32:01,992 --> 00:32:04,950
I don't know why I toId you,
but it is a true story.

596
00:32:05,072 --> 00:32:07,461
It's out of my head and into yours now.

597
00:32:07,552 --> 00:32:08,587
Oh.

598
00:32:08,992 --> 00:32:10,664
Mmm. Ah.

599
00:32:10,792 --> 00:32:13,147
This show's caIIed Science, by the way.

600
00:32:17,232 --> 00:32:19,268
Wikipedia says that science is,

601
00:32:19,352 --> 00:32:23,743
''The concerted human effort to understand
the physicaI or naturaI worId.

602
00:32:23,832 --> 00:32:26,824
''Science seeks the truth
and it doesn't discriminate.''

603
00:32:26,912 --> 00:32:31,349
So something's either true or it isn't.
It hasn't got a wiII, a hope, okay?

604
00:32:31,472 --> 00:32:33,667
You know, a moraI conscience.

605
00:32:34,032 --> 00:32:36,671
''For better or worse, it finds things out,

606
00:32:36,752 --> 00:32:40,904
''whether that is inventing the atomic bomb,
capabIe of mass human destruction,

607
00:32:40,992 --> 00:32:43,506
''or discovering ways to end famine.''

608
00:32:43,792 --> 00:32:46,101
I heard an interesting phrase coined

609
00:32:46,192 --> 00:32:48,467
about the dropping of the atomic bomb
on Hiroshima.

610
00:32:48,552 --> 00:32:51,430
Someone said that dropping
the atomic bomb on Hiroshima

611
00:32:51,512 --> 00:32:54,026
is an exampIe of science going wrong.

612
00:32:54,112 --> 00:32:56,865
Whereas I think it worked a treat, didn't it?

613
00:32:56,952 --> 00:32:58,670
ActuaIIy, that's what they wanted
to happen, wasn't it?

614
00:32:58,752 --> 00:33:02,540
They said, ''How can we meIt 100,000
Japanese peopIe reaIIy quickIy?''

615
00:33:02,632 --> 00:33:04,668
Someone said, ''Try the atomic bomb.''

616
00:33:04,752 --> 00:33:07,186
They went...''Did it work?'' ''Yup.''

617
00:33:08,192 --> 00:33:11,502
So the science went right, just a fucking bit.
Yeah.

618
00:33:12,072 --> 00:33:14,063
The science going wrong
wouId've been them coming round going,

619
00:33:14,152 --> 00:33:16,029
''Did it expIode?'' ''No.''

620
00:33:16,112 --> 00:33:17,909
''Oh, fuck. No?'' ''No.''

621
00:33:18,872 --> 00:33:20,942
''Oh! Did it kiII anyone?''

622
00:33:21,032 --> 00:33:24,149
''One. Just...
Just hit him straight on the head.

623
00:33:26,312 --> 00:33:28,109
''He was out shopping.

624
00:33:29,232 --> 00:33:31,223
''For a camera, probabIy.''

625
00:33:33,592 --> 00:33:36,231
Shut up. Fuck off.

626
00:33:36,832 --> 00:33:39,505
No, but that isn't science's fauIt.

627
00:33:39,832 --> 00:33:43,029
Do you know what I mean?
Science discovered that that process

628
00:33:43,112 --> 00:33:44,431
couId reIease aII that energy.

629
00:33:44,512 --> 00:33:47,470
The miIitary did that.
Governments, us. We're in charge.

630
00:33:47,552 --> 00:33:50,112
Science is to enhance our existence.

631
00:33:50,192 --> 00:33:53,104
The big one there is obviousIy famine, okay?

632
00:33:53,192 --> 00:33:56,184
And you can't have a good Iife
if you haven't got a Iife at aII.

633
00:33:56,272 --> 00:33:58,467
And I'm aII for ending famine, obviousIy.

634
00:33:58,552 --> 00:34:02,022
As Iong as it doesn't
affect me in the sIightest. Um...

635
00:34:02,272 --> 00:34:04,945
Which brings me to this IittIe fad
that we need to stamp out.

636
00:34:05,032 --> 00:34:07,148
This happened to me Christmas before Iast.

637
00:34:07,232 --> 00:34:10,224
Exchanging gifts with friends,
oId friends, good friends.

638
00:34:10,312 --> 00:34:11,791
Quite weII-off friends, if I'm being honest.

639
00:34:11,872 --> 00:34:16,423
I gave them a coffee-making machine
from SeIfridges, top of the range.

640
00:34:16,712 --> 00:34:17,986
They Ioved it, they Ioved it.

641
00:34:18,072 --> 00:34:22,782
And they gave me mine, it was just a card.
I thought, ''Oh, vouchers.''

642
00:34:22,872 --> 00:34:25,670
I opened it up, it wasn't vouchers.
It was just a card,

643
00:34:25,752 --> 00:34:28,346
with a picture of a goat on it. Um...

644
00:34:28,952 --> 00:34:31,022
And some stuff about...
I said, ''What's this?''

645
00:34:31,112 --> 00:34:35,902
They went, ''Oh, our gift to you
is we gave a goat to an African famiIy.''

646
00:34:36,472 --> 00:34:37,666
''What?''

647
00:34:40,952 --> 00:34:42,101
I'm Iooking at the coffee machine, thinking,

648
00:34:42,192 --> 00:34:44,945
''Is it too Iate to say that's a mistake,
take that back?''

649
00:34:45,032 --> 00:34:47,148
But they had it under their arm. Right? So...

650
00:34:47,232 --> 00:34:51,987
I went... ''Oh, we bought you a goat
and we gave it to an African famiIy.''

651
00:34:52,432 --> 00:34:54,468
''Oh, did you? Oh.''

652
00:34:54,992 --> 00:34:57,301
So I've got fuck aII, basicaIIy.

653
00:34:57,792 --> 00:35:01,421
That is basicaIIy what you're saying, isn't it?
I mean, why the...

654
00:35:01,512 --> 00:35:03,901
I don't even know this African famiIy!

655
00:35:03,992 --> 00:35:06,381
Why wouId I give them a goat?
Why wouId I give them my goat?

656
00:35:06,472 --> 00:35:07,666
A goat I didn't know I had
untiI a minute ago.

657
00:35:07,752 --> 00:35:10,346
''Give me my fucking goat.
Where's my goat?''

658
00:35:10,432 --> 00:35:12,992
I mean, the arrogance, to say,
''I've got you a goat, but I gave it away.''

659
00:35:13,072 --> 00:35:14,869
Next year I'm gonna go,
''Oh, I got you a hedgehog.

660
00:35:14,952 --> 00:35:17,944
''But I threw it to some Gypsies
on the way. Is that aII right?''

661
00:35:18,032 --> 00:35:20,785
This serves no purpose.
This is good for no one.

662
00:35:20,872 --> 00:35:23,181
They're 50 quid down, I've got nothing.

663
00:35:23,272 --> 00:35:27,504
Okay? The African famiIy's going,
''Not another mouth to feed.'' Right?

664
00:35:29,632 --> 00:35:32,385
The goat is going, ''Where the fuck am I?

665
00:35:33,232 --> 00:35:34,631
''What the...

666
00:35:34,712 --> 00:35:37,670
''A week ago I was gambIing
around the CotswoIds.

667
00:35:37,752 --> 00:35:40,550
''There was grass and tourists
with nuts and shit.

668
00:35:40,632 --> 00:35:43,669
''This is a fucking dustbowI. This is shit.''

669
00:35:43,752 --> 00:35:45,822
There's no way the goat
wanted to go to Africa.

670
00:35:45,912 --> 00:35:48,745
There's no way. It was basicaIIy kidnapped.
It was abducted.

671
00:35:48,832 --> 00:35:51,551
It was put in a sack
and bundIed on a boat to Africa,

672
00:35:51,632 --> 00:35:53,190
Iike Roots in reverse.

673
00:35:53,272 --> 00:35:55,661
There is no way. When they said,
''Do you want to go to Africa?'',

674
00:35:55,752 --> 00:35:58,220
it went, ''DefiniteIy, no way. No.''

675
00:35:58,312 --> 00:36:00,303
''Come on, why don't you want
to go to Africa?''

676
00:36:00,392 --> 00:36:01,905
''Um, Iions!''

677
00:36:04,352 --> 00:36:06,308
''Come on, why don't you want
to go to Africa?''

678
00:36:06,392 --> 00:36:07,825
''Um, AIDS!''

679
00:36:09,192 --> 00:36:11,069
''WeII, that shouIdn't affect you.''

680
00:36:11,152 --> 00:36:12,665
''It shouIdn't.''

681
00:36:18,072 --> 00:36:22,065
So just be carefuI with charity, okay?
ParticuIarIy at Christmas.

682
00:36:23,632 --> 00:36:25,588
That's when they sting you,
when they give you a guiIt trip.

683
00:36:25,672 --> 00:36:27,742
You're sitting down, Christmas Day,

684
00:36:27,832 --> 00:36:30,346
you've got aII your food,
Ioads of food, too much food.

685
00:36:30,432 --> 00:36:31,945
ProbabIy going to throw a Iot of it away.

686
00:36:32,032 --> 00:36:34,500
And aII the adverts on teIIy
are for charity, right?

687
00:36:34,592 --> 00:36:37,231
Um, this one runs every Christmas Day.

688
00:36:37,792 --> 00:36:41,228
''Is there an oId Iady near you,
coId and IoneIy this Christmas?''

689
00:36:41,312 --> 00:36:43,348
''Yeah, I fucking hate her.

690
00:36:45,072 --> 00:36:47,745
''Nosy bitch winds me up aII year round.

691
00:36:47,952 --> 00:36:51,547
''I can't wait for the coId weather,
if I'm being honest.''

692
00:36:51,712 --> 00:36:53,862
There's no oId Iady near me.

693
00:36:53,952 --> 00:36:56,341
She died Iast year of hypothermia.

694
00:36:56,432 --> 00:36:58,423
So, resuIt.

695
00:36:58,792 --> 00:37:01,022
The other big campaign,
the other big campaign,

696
00:37:01,112 --> 00:37:03,023
''A dog is for Iife, not just for Christmas.''

697
00:37:03,112 --> 00:37:06,024
Right behind that. I Iove animaIs,
I'm reaIIy into animaI weIfare.

698
00:37:06,112 --> 00:37:08,262
And that's obviousIy aimed at parents
whose kids go,

699
00:37:08,352 --> 00:37:10,627
''Can I have a puppy? Can I have a puppy?''
''No.'' ''Can I have a puppy?''

700
00:37:10,712 --> 00:37:12,430
And they give in to shut them up.

701
00:37:12,512 --> 00:37:14,980
And they get the puppy,
and they Iike it when it's cute,

702
00:37:15,072 --> 00:37:16,221
but then they grow up
and they get bored with it,

703
00:37:16,312 --> 00:37:18,428
they Iumber the parents with it,
and the parents get bored with it

704
00:37:18,512 --> 00:37:19,831
and they abandon it.

705
00:37:19,912 --> 00:37:22,824
1 1,000 pets abandoned
in EngIand and WaIes Iast year.

706
00:37:22,912 --> 00:37:26,746
And I think kids shouId have pets.
I think it teaches them Iife Iessons.

707
00:37:26,832 --> 00:37:29,392
I haven't got chiIdren of my own,
but I've got Ioads of nieces and nephews

708
00:37:29,472 --> 00:37:30,871
and they've got kids of their own now.

709
00:37:30,952 --> 00:37:32,704
And I want to be a cooI uncIe
and give them what they want,

710
00:37:32,792 --> 00:37:36,751
but I want to be a responsibIe one, too,
and sort of not add to the stray probIem.

711
00:37:36,832 --> 00:37:38,550
But I think I've soIved the diIemma.

712
00:37:38,632 --> 00:37:40,270
This is what I do, okay? Here's a tip.

713
00:37:40,352 --> 00:37:42,627
You've got to wait tiII Christmas Eve,

714
00:37:42,712 --> 00:37:46,148
go to an animaI sheIter or
an animaI-rescue home, not a breeder.

715
00:37:46,232 --> 00:37:48,826
And I go there, and I go straight
to the veterinary bit.

716
00:37:48,912 --> 00:37:51,870
And when they're deaIing with,
Iike, the IittIe runts

717
00:37:51,952 --> 00:37:53,510
that are born aII sick,

718
00:37:53,592 --> 00:37:56,550
and they're just putting them down,
they've got no quaIity of Iife,

719
00:37:56,632 --> 00:37:59,942
I go, ''No, don't kiII that one.
I'II take that one.''

720
00:38:00,032 --> 00:38:03,024
And they go, ''It's onIy going to Iive a day.''

721
00:38:07,672 --> 00:38:09,503
So I run home with it, going, ''Don't die yet.''

722
00:38:09,592 --> 00:38:11,389
Get a Starbucks, IittIe bit of Starbucks.

723
00:38:11,472 --> 00:38:13,542
''Don't die yet. Don't die.'' And I run in.

724
00:38:13,632 --> 00:38:15,304
And I caII my niece, she runs over,

725
00:38:15,392 --> 00:38:17,303
I go, ''Look.'' ''Oh, you got me a puppy!''

726
00:38:17,392 --> 00:38:19,064
''I'm your best uncIe, I got you a puppy.''

727
00:38:19,152 --> 00:38:23,111
''Oh! Thanks.'' ''Go and pIay with it, quick.
Go and pIay with it.''

728
00:38:24,152 --> 00:38:26,029
And they take it to bed, Christmas Eve,

729
00:38:26,112 --> 00:38:27,704
and they sIeep with it
and they wake up Christmas Day,

730
00:38:27,792 --> 00:38:30,260
it's coId, dead, stiff, gone, so...

731
00:38:31,072 --> 00:38:32,824
Not a probIem. Um...

732
00:38:33,472 --> 00:38:36,908
And they aIways come down, saying,
''Oh! My puppy's dead.''

733
00:38:36,992 --> 00:38:38,550
And I go, ''What?
The puppy your uncIe got you?

734
00:38:38,632 --> 00:38:41,146
''He did his bit and whatever
happened after that isn't his probIem.''

735
00:38:41,232 --> 00:38:43,109
And they go, ''Yeah.'' And I go, ''Oh, no.

736
00:38:43,192 --> 00:38:44,545
''Maybe you roIIed over on it in the night.''

737
00:38:44,632 --> 00:38:46,987
''Oh, did I?'' Oh, God!

738
00:38:48,312 --> 00:38:51,463
And they aIways go,
''I kiIIed my puppy, I kiIIed my puppy.''

739
00:38:51,552 --> 00:38:54,066
I go, ''No, no, you didn't kiII your puppy.

740
00:38:54,152 --> 00:38:56,143
''Jesus kiIIed your puppy.

741
00:38:57,472 --> 00:38:58,541
''On his birthday.

742
00:38:58,632 --> 00:39:02,307
'''Cause you didn't spend enough
on your uncIe's Christmas present.'' So...

743
00:39:02,392 --> 00:39:05,429
They usuaIIy buck their ideas up
the next year.

744
00:39:05,512 --> 00:39:08,709
The other big campaign, of course,
''Don't drink and drive.''

745
00:39:08,792 --> 00:39:10,464
Right behind that as weII.

746
00:39:10,552 --> 00:39:12,508
A Iot more stigma attached now.

747
00:39:12,592 --> 00:39:14,662
When I was growing up,
there was no stigma.

748
00:39:14,752 --> 00:39:16,788
It was Iike, if you got away with it,
that was aII right.

749
00:39:16,872 --> 00:39:19,067
I'd be getting in the car with grown-ups,

750
00:39:19,152 --> 00:39:21,985
with famiIy, and I'd go,
''Oh, you can't drive, you're drunk.''

751
00:39:22,072 --> 00:39:23,630
And they'd go,
''It's aII right, I won't get caught.''

752
00:39:23,712 --> 00:39:26,909
But peopIe now know that
that's not the point. It wrecks Iives.

753
00:39:26,992 --> 00:39:30,348
I've done it once.
I'm not proud of it in the sIightest.

754
00:39:30,432 --> 00:39:33,151
I'm fucking ashamed of it.
I wasn't drunk, but I was over the Iimit.

755
00:39:33,232 --> 00:39:35,541
That was Christmas, and I took the car out

756
00:39:35,632 --> 00:39:37,350
and I knew I shouIdn't. I knew at the time,

757
00:39:37,432 --> 00:39:38,467
''I shouIdn't be in this car.''

758
00:39:38,552 --> 00:39:41,544
But I Iearnt my Iesson,
because I nearIy kiIIed an oId woman.

759
00:39:41,632 --> 00:39:45,386
In the end, I didn't kiII her.
In the end, I just raped her.

760
00:39:57,232 --> 00:39:59,621
But as I say, nothing came of it.

761
00:39:59,872 --> 00:40:03,865
'Cause IuckiIy, 1,000-to-1 shot, I know,
she had AIzheimer's.

762
00:40:03,952 --> 00:40:05,305
Whoo! Whoo!

763
00:40:06,592 --> 00:40:09,026
Yeah, not a credibIe witness.

764
00:40:09,192 --> 00:40:12,980
I'II teII you what.
Spiders, they're aIways ready, aren't they?

765
00:40:13,072 --> 00:40:15,108
Spiders, aIways ready for action.

766
00:40:15,192 --> 00:40:17,706
A spider is aIways ready, Iike that.

767
00:40:17,872 --> 00:40:19,669
CompIeteIy ready, aII the time.

768
00:40:19,752 --> 00:40:21,583
I mean, some animaIs are sometimes ready.

769
00:40:21,672 --> 00:40:23,344
You scare a cat, it'II go, ''Ooh!''

770
00:40:23,432 --> 00:40:24,865
Like that, okay?

771
00:40:24,952 --> 00:40:25,941
But then it goes back to chiII.

772
00:40:26,032 --> 00:40:28,421
Most of the time they're just
on their side, aren't they, cats?

773
00:40:28,512 --> 00:40:31,151
Cats are just, chiII out,
got their head down,

774
00:40:31,232 --> 00:40:33,871
aII four Iimbs stretched out in one direction.

775
00:40:33,952 --> 00:40:35,863
You wiII never see a spider Iike that.

776
00:40:35,952 --> 00:40:39,183
You wiII never see a spider
just Iying on the fIoor

777
00:40:39,272 --> 00:40:43,504
with its head down, Iike that,
and aII eight Iegs just out Iike that.

778
00:40:44,552 --> 00:40:45,985
''Oh, what the fuck...''

779
00:40:46,072 --> 00:40:48,302
They're aIways ready, Iike that.

780
00:40:48,392 --> 00:40:53,227
And they're aIways ready in every direction,
Iike the fucking Matrix, Iike that.

781
00:40:54,712 --> 00:40:56,623
They don't have to go, ''What was that?''
They don't have to...

782
00:40:56,712 --> 00:40:59,670
They've got fucking 10 eyes and eight Iegs.
Over the top.

783
00:40:59,752 --> 00:41:01,470
They're even ready
when you don't think they're ready.

784
00:41:01,552 --> 00:41:04,988
You can see an empty web and you go,
''That spider's not ready.''

785
00:41:05,072 --> 00:41:06,141
''No? Touch the web.''

786
00:41:06,232 --> 00:41:08,109
''What?'' ''Touch the web.''

787
00:41:08,192 --> 00:41:11,309
And it's there, Iike that. I fucking hate them.

788
00:41:12,792 --> 00:41:15,989
Thirty-seven thousand
different species of spider.

789
00:41:16,552 --> 00:41:20,147
Thirty-seven thousand
different species of spider.

790
00:41:20,232 --> 00:41:24,942
I mean, miIIions and biIIions
of individuaI in each species, okay?

791
00:41:25,272 --> 00:41:26,990
And that's just one cIass, arachnid,

792
00:41:27,072 --> 00:41:30,303
of one phyIum, Arthropoda,
of which there are many.

793
00:41:30,472 --> 00:41:33,862
There couId be five miIIion
species of animaI on the Earth.

794
00:41:33,952 --> 00:41:36,671
Best guess, right, minimum, scientists say.

795
00:41:36,752 --> 00:41:39,789
There's so many, we can't... But five miIIion.

796
00:41:40,312 --> 00:41:43,987
And that's 1%% of aII animaI species
that have ever existed.

797
00:41:44,352 --> 00:41:49,142
Ninety-nine percent of aII animaI species
that ever existed are extinct.

798
00:41:49,752 --> 00:41:52,949
And that remaining 1%% is five miIIion strong.

799
00:41:53,472 --> 00:41:55,747
Take one of those species, termites.

800
00:41:56,552 --> 00:42:00,670
If you were to weigh every termite aIive now,

801
00:42:00,752 --> 00:42:04,665
it wouId be 10 times the tonnage
of every human being on Earth.

802
00:42:05,072 --> 00:42:07,711
And it's statistics Iike that
that make me think that this book

803
00:42:07,792 --> 00:42:09,862
isn't totaIIy accurate. Um...

804
00:42:18,432 --> 00:42:20,707
It's the book of Noah.

805
00:42:21,512 --> 00:42:24,470
Um, the chiIdren's edition. Um...

806
00:42:25,112 --> 00:42:27,307
I got this as a prize at Sunday schooI.

807
00:42:27,392 --> 00:42:28,871
I used to go every week.
I beIieved in aII this

808
00:42:28,952 --> 00:42:31,182
tiII I was about eight. Um...

809
00:42:31,832 --> 00:42:34,983
This was when I was four.
St Agnes Sunday schooI.

810
00:42:35,072 --> 00:42:38,269
''Presented to Rikki Gervais.'' R-I-K-K-I.

811
00:42:38,432 --> 00:42:40,388
Like a fucking mongoose.

812
00:42:42,512 --> 00:42:43,945
''For reguIar attendance.''

813
00:42:44,032 --> 00:42:47,468
Not even for doing anything good.
Just for turning up.

814
00:42:48,352 --> 00:42:50,263
''Oh, he's aIways here.
Give him something, he'II be back.''

815
00:42:50,352 --> 00:42:51,751
''Thank you.''

816
00:42:53,192 --> 00:42:55,626
Let's have a Iook at the evidence.

817
00:42:55,712 --> 00:42:58,545
''Long, Iong ago,
when God first made the Earth...''

818
00:42:58,632 --> 00:43:01,510
I'II Iet both those points sIip.
We haven't got time. Okay.

819
00:43:01,592 --> 00:43:06,791
''Long, Iong ago,'' I shouId just say,
is 5,000 years, according to the BibIe.

820
00:43:07,112 --> 00:43:12,823
According to the OId Testament,
the Earth is no oIder than 5,000 years, okay?

821
00:43:13,072 --> 00:43:16,508
Which puts us around the time
of the agricuIturaI revoIution. Uh...

822
00:43:16,592 --> 00:43:20,062
It's actuaIIy 4.6 biIIion years oId.
Let's pop that in.

823
00:43:21,392 --> 00:43:26,182
''4.6 biIIion years ago,
when God first made the Earth

824
00:43:26,312 --> 00:43:29,622
''and sky...''
AII right, don't big it up. I mean, it...

825
00:43:29,712 --> 00:43:32,545
It comes as a package, reaIIy, doesn't it?
You couIdn't...

826
00:43:32,632 --> 00:43:35,908
The sky was never an optionaI extra.
It couId be...

827
00:43:35,992 --> 00:43:37,789
''I buiIt you a pIanet.'' ''I can't breathe.''

828
00:43:37,872 --> 00:43:41,785
''WouId you Iike an atmosphere?''
''Course I fucking wouId.'' So...

829
00:43:43,432 --> 00:43:46,151
''Everything was peacefuI,
everything beautifuI.

830
00:43:46,232 --> 00:43:48,223
''God made human beings, too.

831
00:43:48,312 --> 00:43:51,827
''And he wanted them to be good,
Iike himseIf.'' Arrogant.

832
00:43:53,192 --> 00:43:55,581
''But very soon, they wanted their own way.

833
00:43:55,672 --> 00:43:59,142
''They wouId not Iisten to God.
They became wicked and did wicked things.''

834
00:43:59,232 --> 00:44:01,507
Look at them doing wicked things there.

835
00:44:01,592 --> 00:44:04,026
Look at that.
You can't get more wicked than that, reaIIy.

836
00:44:04,112 --> 00:44:06,023
''Oh, fuck off, wicked!''

837
00:44:06,792 --> 00:44:08,862
ReaIIy. ''Fuck off, wicked.''

838
00:44:10,392 --> 00:44:14,624
God Iooking on. ''Yeah, carry on.
See what happens. See what happens.''

839
00:44:15,152 --> 00:44:17,825
BIoke there running off
with a big bag of money.

840
00:44:17,912 --> 00:44:20,301
Don't put it in a bank, you cunt.

841
00:44:23,432 --> 00:44:26,071
''God Iooked at them and said to himseIf,

842
00:44:26,152 --> 00:44:30,543
'''They are so wicked, I wiII have to
wipe them off the face of the Earth.'''

843
00:44:30,632 --> 00:44:34,830
ReaIIy? That's your onIy choice, is it?
That's... You have to?

844
00:44:35,192 --> 00:44:37,422
Right... Straight to genocide.

845
00:44:40,192 --> 00:44:42,786
No one verbaI and two written warnings?
No?

846
00:44:42,872 --> 00:44:47,229
Just straight to the annihiIation
of the entire human race?

847
00:44:47,432 --> 00:44:50,788
'Cause a fatty yeIIow-trousers
picked someone's nose?

848
00:44:51,032 --> 00:44:53,262
That's your soIution, is it?

849
00:44:53,592 --> 00:44:56,629
I mean, anger management.
ChiII the fuck out.

850
00:44:59,632 --> 00:45:02,749
I read this book to KarI PiIkington, right?
Who...

851
00:45:02,832 --> 00:45:05,585
Yeah, he is an absoIute... Yes. He is...

852
00:45:09,552 --> 00:45:12,271
Head Iike a fucking orange, I know. Um...

853
00:45:12,352 --> 00:45:15,230
But I got to this bit and I said,

854
00:45:15,312 --> 00:45:17,780
''They are so wicked, I wiII have to
wipe them off the face of the Earth.''

855
00:45:17,872 --> 00:45:19,351
And KarI goes,

856
00:45:20,272 --> 00:45:21,864
''He sounds gay.''

857
00:45:22,952 --> 00:45:27,184
I went, ''What do you mean?''
He went, ''Some gays are a bit Iike that.''

858
00:45:27,792 --> 00:45:30,147
He thought God was having a hissy fit.

859
00:45:30,232 --> 00:45:31,984
Like God's going, ''Look what they've done.

860
00:45:32,072 --> 00:45:35,587
''No, they're treating me Iike a cunt,
I'm gonna treat them Iike a cunt.''

861
00:45:35,672 --> 00:45:40,700
I said, ''KarI, God is not gay, aII right?
Read the BibIe, he hates them.''

862
00:45:45,152 --> 00:45:48,144
''They are so wicked, I wiII have to
wipe them off the face of the Earth,

863
00:45:48,232 --> 00:45:50,700
''and every Iiving thing with them.''

864
00:45:51,032 --> 00:45:53,102
What's the squid ever done?

865
00:45:58,472 --> 00:46:02,624
In Leviticus, I think it is,
they Iist aII the animaIs that you're...

866
00:46:02,712 --> 00:46:04,111
AII the punishments for sIeeping with them.

867
00:46:04,192 --> 00:46:05,989
Like, if you Iay with a stoat, you'II do this,

868
00:46:06,072 --> 00:46:08,028
and if you Iay with a stoat,
you'II do that and get kiIIed...

869
00:46:08,112 --> 00:46:11,900
And one of them is,
''If you sIeep with a squid,

870
00:46:11,992 --> 00:46:14,267
''you get smitten in the knees.''

871
00:46:14,712 --> 00:46:16,270
So if peopIe are coming back
from the beach Iike that,

872
00:46:16,352 --> 00:46:18,820
you know exactIy what they've done.

873
00:46:22,312 --> 00:46:25,304
Anyway, God is not gay. Let's estabIish that.

874
00:46:25,752 --> 00:46:27,868
''But there was one man
who was stiII very good.

875
00:46:27,952 --> 00:46:29,988
''His name was Noah.
He was a friend of God.''

876
00:46:30,072 --> 00:46:32,825
Just a friend, so don't... No.

877
00:46:33,832 --> 00:46:35,311
Just a friend.

878
00:46:35,632 --> 00:46:38,863
A friend with big hooped earrings.

879
00:46:46,152 --> 00:46:48,825
Rouge. What the fuck?

880
00:46:48,912 --> 00:46:52,302
Where did he get that from?
He Iives in a cave. What the...

881
00:46:52,392 --> 00:46:53,984
''What are you doing?''

882
00:46:54,072 --> 00:46:55,471
''Seeing God.

883
00:46:57,712 --> 00:46:59,942
''You never know. Never know.''

884
00:47:00,272 --> 00:47:02,024
HandIebar moustache.

885
00:47:03,552 --> 00:47:07,227
HoIding God's hand,
who's wearing a bIouse.

886
00:47:09,392 --> 00:47:12,270
The oId hand, going down the Ieggings.
What?

887
00:47:15,312 --> 00:47:16,984
But God isn't gay.

888
00:47:18,672 --> 00:47:22,028
''God said to Noah,
'I am so angry with men...'''

889
00:47:24,192 --> 00:47:26,183
''You mean men and women.''

890
00:47:26,352 --> 00:47:27,751
''Whatever.''

891
00:47:30,352 --> 00:47:32,741
''...that I have made my mind up
to destroy them aII.

892
00:47:32,832 --> 00:47:35,744
''I have stretched my bow in the sky.
It is a rainbow.''

893
00:47:35,832 --> 00:47:39,029
That's got to be the worId's first pun,
hasn't it?

894
00:47:39,952 --> 00:47:42,227
''It wiII make so much rain
pour down on Earth,

895
00:47:42,312 --> 00:47:45,349
''that everything wiII be drowned.
But not you.

896
00:47:47,512 --> 00:47:49,548
''I want you to buiId an ark.
It must be Iike a big boat,

897
00:47:49,632 --> 00:47:50,667
''with three decks and a roof over it.''

898
00:47:50,752 --> 00:47:53,630
''Yeah, I know what an ark is, mate. Jesus.''

899
00:47:53,992 --> 00:47:55,425
''And you wiII make a door in the side of it.''

900
00:47:55,512 --> 00:47:58,345
''Do you think
I'm a compIete fucking mong?''

901
00:47:59,672 --> 00:48:02,186
''Noah did exactIy what God toId him.

902
00:48:03,032 --> 00:48:04,545
''And then God said to Noah...''

903
00:48:04,632 --> 00:48:08,989
Now, okay, this book,
admittedIy aimed at chiIdren,

904
00:48:09,072 --> 00:48:12,144
but taken from the story
in the OId Testament of Noah,

905
00:48:12,232 --> 00:48:15,463
I don't think the author of this book
was a zooIogist.

906
00:48:15,552 --> 00:48:18,430
Um, as we've said,
there couId be five miIIion species.

907
00:48:18,512 --> 00:48:19,706
I don't think he knows aII of them,

908
00:48:19,792 --> 00:48:23,228
the way he backs out very quickIy
in this next sentence.

909
00:48:23,312 --> 00:48:25,780
''I want you to take two of every
kind of animaI with you into the ark.

910
00:48:25,872 --> 00:48:28,909
''Two Iions, two tigers, two eIephants, so on.''

911
00:48:35,792 --> 00:48:37,669
''Look after them weII and keep them aIive.

912
00:48:37,752 --> 00:48:39,026
''And Noah did what God said.''

913
00:48:39,112 --> 00:48:41,103
Now, I want you to study that scenario.

914
00:48:41,192 --> 00:48:44,229
So, God is angry with mankind, okay?

915
00:48:44,312 --> 00:48:46,906
He's wiping them out and starting again
with just Noah and his wife.

916
00:48:46,992 --> 00:48:49,028
He's angry at the animaIs, as weII,
for some reason.

917
00:48:49,112 --> 00:48:50,545
I don't know why.
But he's going to start again,

918
00:48:50,632 --> 00:48:52,350
two of each, right?

919
00:48:52,752 --> 00:48:54,788
He caIIs a fIood, buiIds an ark.

920
00:48:54,872 --> 00:48:57,181
Okay, Noah says, ''Right, two of every kind,
you two, you two.''

921
00:48:57,272 --> 00:48:59,263
There's a fucking stampede.

922
00:48:59,352 --> 00:49:02,947
Brrr! Every animaI species...
Brrr! Two eIephants!

923
00:49:03,032 --> 00:49:05,592
Brrr! Two toucans, just waIking.

924
00:49:14,272 --> 00:49:17,662
Don't know what... I think this one's
in charge. This one wants to fIy, I think.

925
00:49:17,752 --> 00:49:22,223
He's going, ''We'd get there quicker if we...
if we fIew.''

926
00:49:25,992 --> 00:49:27,107
''No.''

927
00:49:29,752 --> 00:49:30,867
''No?''

928
00:49:32,752 --> 00:49:33,867
''No.''

929
00:49:35,352 --> 00:49:37,388
I couId do this aII night.

930
00:49:40,552 --> 00:49:41,667
''No?''

931
00:49:47,032 --> 00:49:48,147
''No.''

932
00:49:52,992 --> 00:49:54,186
''Sure?''

933
00:49:57,032 --> 00:49:58,226
''Yeah.''

934
00:50:00,152 --> 00:50:03,588
''I mean, we've got wings.''

935
00:50:06,032 --> 00:50:07,784
''We got feet, too.''

936
00:50:08,832 --> 00:50:10,788
''Why don't you want to push in?''

937
00:50:10,872 --> 00:50:13,864
'''Cause that eIephant's Iooking at me funny.''

938
00:50:16,192 --> 00:50:17,466
''Yeah, I am.

939
00:50:17,552 --> 00:50:21,625
''You push in and I wiII stamp on you,
you big-nosed twat.''

940
00:50:22,952 --> 00:50:26,501
''Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Who are you caIIing big-nose?''

941
00:50:29,672 --> 00:50:30,661
''What?''

942
00:50:30,752 --> 00:50:33,425
''WeII, pot, kettIe.''

943
00:50:33,512 --> 00:50:35,582
''What does that mean, pot, kettIe?''

944
00:50:35,672 --> 00:50:37,742
''Pot caIIing kettIe bIack.''
''What the fuck are you...''

945
00:50:37,832 --> 00:50:41,620
''Oh, forget it.''
''I can't forget it, I'm a fucking eIephant.''

946
00:50:44,432 --> 00:50:50,462
Two cameIs, two Iions, two ostriches,
two Ieopards, two tigers,

947
00:50:50,552 --> 00:50:53,544
two zebra... Ah, here's the crux of my point.

948
00:50:54,352 --> 00:50:59,426
Just one species on the ark at the moment.
Uh, giraffes, okay.

949
00:50:59,832 --> 00:51:03,905
Another five miIIion to get on there.
Two of each, 10 miIIion.

950
00:51:04,152 --> 00:51:06,586
Ten miIIion animaIs to get on that ark.

951
00:51:06,672 --> 00:51:09,391
They'II go on...
I mean, that's just a few of them, right?

952
00:51:09,472 --> 00:51:11,986
That's, Iike, 10 or 1 2. They go on as far as...

953
00:51:12,072 --> 00:51:16,145
Ten miIIion more to get on there.
Just two on there at the moment.

954
00:51:16,552 --> 00:51:17,667
Uh...

955
00:51:19,152 --> 00:51:22,110
Look how much room
they're aIready taking up.

956
00:51:24,352 --> 00:51:26,343
It's at a third capacity.

957
00:51:27,232 --> 00:51:31,384
What's it going to be Iike on there
when these two fat cunts get on?

958
00:51:36,872 --> 00:51:38,385
''Then God bent the bow of his anger

959
00:51:38,472 --> 00:51:41,669
''and the rain came fIooding down,
covering the Earth with water.

960
00:51:41,752 --> 00:51:43,708
''It rained for 40 days and nights.

961
00:51:43,792 --> 00:51:45,748
''The fIood water rose higher and higher,

962
00:51:45,832 --> 00:51:47,788
''untiI it covered the tops
of the highest mountains.''

963
00:51:48,952 --> 00:51:53,389
''Every Iiving thing was drowned,
except Noah and the animaIs in the ark.''

964
00:51:53,592 --> 00:51:55,025
And the fish.

965
00:51:56,472 --> 00:51:57,666
They were fine, weren't they?

966
00:51:57,752 --> 00:51:59,629
In fact, aII the sea creatures...
I mean, they're Ioving it.

967
00:51:59,712 --> 00:52:01,031
They were better off, if anything.

968
00:52:01,112 --> 00:52:04,707
Mountains underwater - their domains
have increased, Iike, tenfoId.

969
00:52:04,792 --> 00:52:08,990
You've got crabs going,
''I'm on a fucking mountain! This is amazing!

970
00:52:09,272 --> 00:52:11,991
''I've never been up here before. It's great!''

971
00:52:12,072 --> 00:52:13,710
I think that when you see on the news,

972
00:52:13,792 --> 00:52:16,352
when a IittIe viIIage in GIoucester
gets fIooded or somewhere,

973
00:52:16,432 --> 00:52:18,423
and it's reaIIy sad,
peopIe have Iost their homes

974
00:52:18,512 --> 00:52:21,470
and they're sort of traipsing around,
they're in dinghies, carrying their pets,

975
00:52:21,552 --> 00:52:23,031
and it's tragic, right?

976
00:52:23,112 --> 00:52:27,025
But you see, Iike, a IittIe row of
antique shops, just compIeteIy underwater,

977
00:52:27,112 --> 00:52:28,864
and I aIways think of a fish

978
00:52:28,952 --> 00:52:33,468
just Iooking in the window of that
antique shop for the first time, right?

979
00:52:43,752 --> 00:52:45,902
''So that's a chaise Iongue.''

980
00:52:49,112 --> 00:52:51,626
''For 150 days,
the Earth was covered with water.

981
00:52:51,712 --> 00:52:54,146
''Then Noah opened the window of the ark
and Iooked out.

982
00:52:54,232 --> 00:52:56,746
''The water seemed to be going down,
but how couId he be sure?''

983
00:52:56,832 --> 00:53:00,188
WeII, just ask God. You've been chatting
to him aII the way through. Why's...

984
00:53:00,272 --> 00:53:04,151
Why's he suddenIy copped a deaf 'un?
I mean, we're getting cryptic here.

985
00:53:04,232 --> 00:53:06,985
''He sent a raven out,
but it soon came fIying back.

986
00:53:07,072 --> 00:53:08,949
''It couId find nowhere to settIe.

987
00:53:09,032 --> 00:53:10,988
''Noah waited another week
and he sent out a dove.''

988
00:53:11,072 --> 00:53:13,347
Why did the raven Iose his job?

989
00:53:16,432 --> 00:53:20,948
''But the dove came back, too.''
See? The raven wasn't buIIshitting. This...

990
00:53:21,392 --> 00:53:25,021
''There was stiII no dry Iand anywhere.
But one day the dove fIew out...''

991
00:53:25,112 --> 00:53:28,309
Why did the dove get another go
and not the raven?

992
00:53:28,512 --> 00:53:29,706
Racist!

993
00:53:34,592 --> 00:53:36,901
''But one day the dove fIew out
and brought back a green oIive branch,

994
00:53:36,992 --> 00:53:39,108
''and Noah knew that God
was no Ionger angry.

995
00:53:39,192 --> 00:53:41,467
''Then God toId Noah
to Iet the animaIs out of the ark.

996
00:53:41,552 --> 00:53:43,270
''They must once more fiII the Earth
with Iiving things.

997
00:53:43,352 --> 00:53:45,024
''The first thing Noah did
was to buiId an aItar.

998
00:53:45,112 --> 00:53:47,580
''He offered a sacrifice to God
to thank him for saving them.

999
00:53:47,672 --> 00:53:50,425
''And God said,
'I wiII make a pact of friendship with you.'

1000
00:53:50,512 --> 00:53:53,390
'''I wiII never again send a fIood
to destroy the Earth.

1001
00:53:53,472 --> 00:53:56,942
'''The rainbow, which I put in the sky,
wiII no Ionger be a sign of my anger,

1002
00:53:57,032 --> 00:54:01,150
'''but a sign of peace.
It wiII be a sign of my friendship with men.'''

1003
00:54:01,232 --> 00:54:02,551
That is...

1004
00:54:03,992 --> 00:54:05,311
That is...

1005
00:54:06,512 --> 00:54:08,230
That is how it's...

1006
00:54:09,392 --> 00:54:11,826
That is how it's used today. Um...

1007
00:54:12,112 --> 00:54:14,751
They took it a bit IiteraIIy, I think.

1008
00:54:15,392 --> 00:54:18,589
'''It wiII be a sign of my friendship with men,
which begins today,

1009
00:54:18,672 --> 00:54:22,267
'''and which my son, Jesus, wiII one day
prove by shedding his bIood for men.'''

1010
00:54:22,352 --> 00:54:24,149
''Who?'' ''You'II see.''

1011
00:54:25,072 --> 00:54:28,348
There wasn't a teaser campaign
in the OId Testament, was there?

1012
00:54:28,432 --> 00:54:30,741
''Coming soon, the sequeI.'' Ahhh!

1013
00:54:32,872 --> 00:54:35,750
''And so when you've done wrong
and you're feeIing very sad about it,

1014
00:54:35,832 --> 00:54:39,302
''think of the rainbow and the peace
which God wants to put into your heart.

1015
00:54:39,392 --> 00:54:42,464
''He has promised to be your friend.
Promise to be his.''

1016
00:54:42,552 --> 00:54:45,749
And that's just one of 1 2
in the Dove book series.

1017
00:54:45,912 --> 00:54:47,664
I've onIy got one. Number nine, Noah.

1018
00:54:47,752 --> 00:54:52,223
But I think my favourite wouId be
number eight, just from the titIe,

1019
00:54:52,312 --> 00:54:54,143
Jesus and the Cripple.

1020
00:54:57,312 --> 00:54:59,109
We don't use that word any more, Jesus.

1021
00:55:02,552 --> 00:55:05,385
I'm writing number 13, Moses and the Mong.

1022
00:55:08,872 --> 00:55:10,624
I read that whoIe book to KarI.

1023
00:55:10,712 --> 00:55:13,180
And he beIieved every word.
Why wouIdn't he? It's written down.

1024
00:55:13,272 --> 00:55:17,948
Um, and I said, ''But, KarI, how couId they
get 10 miIIion animaIs on a boat?''

1025
00:55:18,472 --> 00:55:19,905
He went, ''So it was a big boat.''

1026
00:55:19,992 --> 00:55:24,031
I said, ''Yeah, no, that's true. They did.''
I said, ''But they're aII part of the food chain.

1027
00:55:24,112 --> 00:55:27,661
''They wouId have IiteraIIy had
to have eaten each other to survive.

1028
00:55:27,752 --> 00:55:30,903
''Why didn't the Iion eat the anteIope?
Why didn't the spider eat the fIy?''

1029
00:55:30,992 --> 00:55:34,746
And KarI said,
'''Cause in a crisis, you aII puII together.''

1030
00:55:36,352 --> 00:55:37,944
Amazing. He's amazing.

1031
00:55:38,032 --> 00:55:41,547
I'd Iove to do a book of his quotes.
Um, I Iove books of quotations.

1032
00:55:41,632 --> 00:55:44,749
I sort of... I read them for pIeasure.
I've got a few of these compiIations,

1033
00:55:44,832 --> 00:55:48,063
and one of my heroes is Winston ChurchiII.

1034
00:55:48,352 --> 00:55:53,506
And when I read, ''Give us the tooIs
and we wiII finish the job'',

1035
00:55:53,592 --> 00:55:55,708
I thought, ''How inspiring.''

1036
00:55:56,512 --> 00:55:59,584
And when I read,
''Never in the fieId of human confIict

1037
00:55:59,672 --> 00:56:03,824
''was so much owed by so many to so few'',
I thought, ''How patriotic.''

1038
00:56:03,992 --> 00:56:07,064
And when I read,
''It is a good thing for an uneducated man

1039
00:56:07,152 --> 00:56:11,304
''to read books of quotations'',
I thought, ''You cheeky fat git.''

1040
00:56:13,952 --> 00:56:17,342
PeopIe say that Oscar WiIde
is the greatest genius that's ever Iived.

1041
00:56:17,432 --> 00:56:19,627
Let's test that. Here's one of his.

1042
00:56:19,712 --> 00:56:22,670
''AII women become Iike their mothers.
That is their tragedy.

1043
00:56:22,752 --> 00:56:24,822
''No man does. That is his.''

1044
00:56:25,432 --> 00:56:27,582
That sounds a bit gay to me.

1045
00:56:28,632 --> 00:56:31,430
Just, I don't know... We'II give it another go.
Here's another one.

1046
00:56:31,512 --> 00:56:35,425
''I couIdn't heIp it.
I can resist everything, except temptation.''

1047
00:56:35,512 --> 00:56:37,503
That sounds gay as weII.

1048
00:56:37,712 --> 00:56:38,986
I want to start that with an ''ooh''.

1049
00:56:39,072 --> 00:56:42,269
I want to go, ''Ooh, I couIdn't heIp it.''
You know?

1050
00:56:42,672 --> 00:56:45,027
And I want to end it with,
''I can resist everything, except temptation.

1051
00:56:45,112 --> 00:56:48,184
''Chance wouId be a fine thing.''
Do you know what I mean?

1052
00:56:48,272 --> 00:56:51,070
And when he went through customs,
aII those years ago in New York,

1053
00:56:51,152 --> 00:56:54,542
and the customs officer, just doing his job,
said, ''Have you anything to decIare?'',

1054
00:56:54,632 --> 00:56:57,908
Oscar WiIde famousIy said,
''Nothing but my genius.''

1055
00:56:59,672 --> 00:57:00,946
It's not witty. He pIanned that.

1056
00:57:01,032 --> 00:57:03,592
I bet the first time he went through customs
in a foreign country,

1057
00:57:03,672 --> 00:57:05,947
he was aII, ''Yes, sir. No, sir.''
''Anything to decIare?'' ''No.''

1058
00:57:06,032 --> 00:57:07,021
''On you go.'' ''Thank...

1059
00:57:07,112 --> 00:57:11,390
''Oh, I just thought of something
fucking briIIiant to say. Oh, my God.

1060
00:57:11,632 --> 00:57:14,146
''Excuse me, can I go... No? No? Oh, God!''

1061
00:57:14,232 --> 00:57:17,429
He had to wait weeks in those days,
back on a boat to EngIand, pIanning it.

1062
00:57:17,512 --> 00:57:19,070
''Anything to decIare?''
''Nothing but my genius.

1063
00:57:19,152 --> 00:57:20,824
''I'II be in a book of quotations with that.''

1064
00:57:20,912 --> 00:57:25,110
So he gets there again, finds the same bIoke,
goes on, bIoke goes, ''On you go.''

1065
00:57:25,192 --> 00:57:28,184
''Aw, he didn't even fucking ask me that time.

1066
00:57:32,152 --> 00:57:34,222
''Excuse me, they didn't ask me
if I had anything to decIare.''

1067
00:57:34,312 --> 00:57:36,382
''Random.'' ''Fucking random!''

1068
00:57:36,752 --> 00:57:38,743
Back on the boat, three weeks Iater,
pIanning it.

1069
00:57:38,832 --> 00:57:39,901
''Anything to decIare?''
''Nothing but my genius.''

1070
00:57:39,992 --> 00:57:41,550
Gets there again, right?

1071
00:57:41,632 --> 00:57:42,860
Gets in the same bIoke's queue.

1072
00:57:42,952 --> 00:57:45,671
This time he Iooks aII shifty,
so he gets caIIed out.

1073
00:57:45,752 --> 00:57:47,549
And the bIoke goes...

1074
00:57:50,832 --> 00:57:54,427
''Did you buy anything?''
''That's not the question. Just...

1075
00:57:54,672 --> 00:57:56,549
''Say, 'Do you have anything to decIare?'''

1076
00:57:56,632 --> 00:57:59,351
''Have you anything to decIare?''
''Nothing but my genius.''

1077
00:57:59,432 --> 00:58:02,868
''Whose are the butt pIugs?''
''They're... They're mine.''

1078
00:58:06,392 --> 00:58:09,429
Incarcerated in Reading GaoI
for homosexuaIity.

1079
00:58:09,632 --> 00:58:13,022
Come a Iong way,
from it being punishabIe and iIIegaI

1080
00:58:13,112 --> 00:58:14,591
to totaI equaIity, as it shouId be.

1081
00:58:14,672 --> 00:58:19,348
Gay age of consent, same as heterosexuaIity,
and, uh, even gay marriage, um...

1082
00:58:19,432 --> 00:58:22,549
AIthough, in the one pIace
that was ahead of the game,

1083
00:58:22,632 --> 00:58:25,988
ironicaIIy, they sort of feII behind.
Uh, CaIifornia.

1084
00:58:26,352 --> 00:58:28,946
Um, they overturned it at the Iast eIection.

1085
00:58:29,032 --> 00:58:32,547
They had a referendum,
and they said no to gay marriage.

1086
00:58:32,992 --> 00:58:37,429
Uh, you've got peopIe in San Francisco
going, ''That's why we moved here.''

1087
00:58:37,672 --> 00:58:40,106
It's a strange sort of bigotry,

1088
00:58:40,192 --> 00:58:43,548
that you couId affect someone's IifestyIe
that doesn't affect you back.

1089
00:58:43,632 --> 00:58:44,701
It's not Iike they asked someone once

1090
00:58:44,792 --> 00:58:46,862
and said, ''Do you mind
if these two men get married?'',

1091
00:58:46,952 --> 00:58:49,944
and they went, ''Uh, yeah, okay.''
''Okay, wank them off, then.''

1092
00:58:50,032 --> 00:58:53,502
''What? I didn't know
that was going to happen.'' That...

1093
00:58:53,952 --> 00:58:57,627
It's aIso a strange sort of bigotry because,
presumabIy those peopIe that object to that

1094
00:58:57,712 --> 00:59:01,671
are the same peopIe that said gay peopIe
were promiscuous and immoraI.

1095
00:59:01,752 --> 00:59:03,629
But now they don't want them
to be monogamous

1096
00:59:03,712 --> 00:59:05,111
and respectfuI in the eyes of God.

1097
00:59:05,192 --> 00:59:08,423
And it must be so confusing
to a gay guy in CaIifornia, going,

1098
00:59:08,512 --> 00:59:09,865
''That's the bit they don't want?

1099
00:59:09,952 --> 00:59:12,705
''With aII the other shit we do,
that's the bit that...''

1100
00:59:12,792 --> 00:59:16,341
They must be going to judges, going,
''Sorry, can I get the ruIes straight?''

1101
00:59:16,432 --> 00:59:17,421
''What do you want to know?''

1102
00:59:17,512 --> 00:59:19,548
''Can I marry a man?'' ''No.''

1103
00:59:20,552 --> 00:59:24,465
''Can I shag one up the arse
and give him a IittIe reach-round?''

1104
00:59:25,472 --> 00:59:26,621
''Yes.''

1105
00:59:28,232 --> 00:59:30,063
''Right, I can't marry...'' ''No.''

1106
00:59:30,152 --> 00:59:32,586
''Can I pick up a stranger in the bushes,
take him home, jizz on him,

1107
00:59:32,672 --> 00:59:36,460
''and throw him out in the morning,
aII crusty and homeIess?''

1108
00:59:36,912 --> 00:59:38,265
''PIease do.''

1109
00:59:39,672 --> 00:59:41,344
''CouIdn't marry him?'' ''No.''

1110
00:59:41,432 --> 00:59:45,664
''Right, can I get 15 men in a...''
I'm just riffing.

1111
00:59:45,752 --> 00:59:50,951
''Fifteen men in a semi-circIe, naked,
bent over,

1112
00:59:51,032 --> 00:59:56,311
''spreading their arse cheeks,
and attach a diIdo to every part of my body

1113
00:59:59,472 --> 01:00:01,428
''and go at them for haIf an hour?''

1114
01:00:01,512 --> 01:00:03,582
''If you want, yeah.''

1115
01:00:03,672 --> 01:00:06,470
I don't know why I chose 15 in a semi-circIe.

1116
01:00:06,552 --> 01:00:09,464
I think subconsciousIy I was thinking of
that TV show Fifteen to One.

1117
01:00:09,552 --> 01:00:12,510
That wouId've been different, wouIdn't it?

1118
01:00:12,592 --> 01:00:15,186
AIso, I'd Iine them up,
aIso, I wouIdn't face them away,

1119
01:00:15,272 --> 01:00:17,183
I'd face them to me so you couId get a...

1120
01:00:17,272 --> 01:00:22,869
That's one thing. Ah, no.
If you were to wank off 15 men at a time, kids,

1121
01:00:22,952 --> 01:00:26,388
it's Iike pIate-spinning,
it is Iike pIate-spinning, because...

1122
01:00:26,472 --> 01:00:29,225
No, it is.
'Cause you get these two ready to go,

1123
01:00:29,312 --> 01:00:31,826
but they're Iosing it, so you have to...

1124
01:00:31,912 --> 01:00:36,986
So you have to go, ''Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, for fuck's sake.''

1125
01:00:40,472 --> 01:00:44,147
''Oh, ain't it knackering,
wanking off 15 men at once?''

1126
01:00:45,392 --> 01:00:47,462
Never thought I'd say that.

1127
01:00:47,632 --> 01:00:49,350
Again. What? Oh...

1128
01:00:51,432 --> 01:00:54,504
I hope I haven't offended anyone
with any of the subject matter in this show.

1129
01:00:54,592 --> 01:00:56,548
I reaIIy do. It's not the point,

1130
01:00:56,632 --> 01:01:00,102
but if I have offended anyone,
and I'm sure I have,

1131
01:01:00,672 --> 01:01:01,946
then I don't apoIogise for it,

1132
01:01:02,032 --> 01:01:05,263
because there's a spate of comedians going,
''Oh, sorry, I didn't mean it.''

1133
01:01:05,352 --> 01:01:08,185
You shouIdn't have said it, then.
You're an idiot. Right? It's...

1134
01:01:08,272 --> 01:01:12,106
They bow to this pressure of going...
These witch-hunts going,

1135
01:01:12,192 --> 01:01:14,308
''Are there things you shouIdn't
make jokes about?''

1136
01:01:14,392 --> 01:01:18,067
No. There's nothing
you can't make a joke about.

1137
01:01:18,152 --> 01:01:21,542
It depends what the joke is.
Comedy comes from a good or a bad pIace.

1138
01:01:21,632 --> 01:01:25,181
It's contextuaI.
It's Iike this big debate about swearing.

1139
01:01:25,272 --> 01:01:29,311
PeopIe say, ''Is swearing okay on teIevision?''
It depends.

1140
01:01:29,432 --> 01:01:31,388
Use your common sense
and your remote controI.

1141
01:01:31,472 --> 01:01:35,351
Don't write a Ietter. It's Iike, be warned, right?

1142
01:01:35,432 --> 01:01:38,026
If it's a documentary about
prisoners on death row,

1143
01:01:38,112 --> 01:01:41,070
there's probabIy going to be
a bit of Ianguage, okay?

1144
01:01:41,152 --> 01:01:43,188
They've got nothing to Iose, right?

1145
01:01:43,272 --> 01:01:48,027
Whereas I'd compIain, if it was the news,
and Trevor McDonaId came out and went,

1146
01:01:48,112 --> 01:01:50,910
''Oh, fuck me, nasty train crash.'' Right?

1147
01:01:52,352 --> 01:01:56,345
I'd go, ''No, Trev, do it straight.
That's the news, mate. That's...'' Right?

1148
01:01:56,432 --> 01:01:59,105
But if was watching Antiques Roadshow

1149
01:01:59,192 --> 01:02:02,662
and MichaeI AspeI was there
with a sweet oId 90-year-oId man,

1150
01:02:02,752 --> 01:02:07,951
and he went, ''WeII, AIbert,
this ring your dead wife Ieft you

1151
01:02:08,032 --> 01:02:12,150
''is worth fuck aII, and she's made you
Iook a right cunt on teIIy.''

1152
01:02:13,192 --> 01:02:15,422
ActuaIIy, I'd Iove that.
That wouId be amazing.

1153
01:02:17,072 --> 01:02:19,222
Best episode ever. Um...

1154
01:02:19,592 --> 01:02:22,709
No, but what I'm saying is
there's this big thing about,

1155
01:02:22,792 --> 01:02:26,944
''Oh, um, sick jokes. Oh, sick jokes.
Oh, sick jokes.''

1156
01:02:27,272 --> 01:02:31,265
Thing is, you teII a sick joke
with the express understanding

1157
01:02:31,352 --> 01:02:34,025
that neither party is reaIIy Iike that.

1158
01:02:34,192 --> 01:02:37,389
I wouIdn't teII a ''sick joke''
to a known paedophiIe.

1159
01:02:37,472 --> 01:02:40,350
I wouIdn't go, ''Here, mate, you are going
to Iove this more than anyone, son.''

1160
01:02:40,432 --> 01:02:41,751
AII right?

1161
01:02:42,632 --> 01:02:43,747
Do you see my point? Right?

1162
01:02:43,832 --> 01:02:46,300
And I've never been in troubIe
for anything I've said,

1163
01:02:46,392 --> 01:02:49,429
'cause I don't care what peopIe think
and I refuse to apoIogise for it.

1164
01:02:49,512 --> 01:02:52,743
I mean, growing up,
I aIways used to sort of Iike, you know,

1165
01:02:52,832 --> 01:02:54,026
test the boundaries a IittIe bit

1166
01:02:54,112 --> 01:02:58,071
and try and get peopIe to Iaugh at things
they thought they shouIdn't. Um...

1167
01:02:58,152 --> 01:03:01,508
I remember when I was...
ActuaIIy, I wasn't a kid. I was about 25.

1168
01:03:02,832 --> 01:03:05,904
Um, me and my girIfriend
had met this other coupIe,

1169
01:03:05,992 --> 01:03:08,267
they'd moved down from the north, okay?

1170
01:03:08,352 --> 01:03:10,502
And they used to come in the pIace
where I used to work

1171
01:03:10,592 --> 01:03:12,264
and we had a coupIe of drinks with them,

1172
01:03:12,352 --> 01:03:14,388
and then one day they invited us to a party.

1173
01:03:14,472 --> 01:03:15,825
And we went aIong.

1174
01:03:15,912 --> 01:03:18,710
And, one, it was a dinner party.
They hadn't warned us about that.

1175
01:03:18,792 --> 01:03:22,182
But, two, it was with their parents,
both sets of parents,

1176
01:03:22,272 --> 01:03:24,911
their grandparents,
and some great-aunts and uncIes

1177
01:03:24,992 --> 01:03:27,108
that had come down from the north
to see how they were getting on.

1178
01:03:27,192 --> 01:03:31,071
So, average age of about 85, right?
And I think we were an afterthought.

1179
01:03:31,152 --> 01:03:33,029
They thought, ''Oh, we've got
no one there our own age.

1180
01:03:33,112 --> 01:03:35,103
''Oh, what... Ricky and Jane, invite them.''

1181
01:03:35,192 --> 01:03:37,831
So we came aIong.
And we're stiII sort of getting to know them.

1182
01:03:37,912 --> 01:03:40,790
And, as I say, I aIways used to,
you know, muck around

1183
01:03:40,872 --> 01:03:44,182
and make up jokes and see if I couId,
you know... We're...

1184
01:03:44,272 --> 01:03:46,069
Us Brits, we use humour aII the time.

1185
01:03:46,152 --> 01:03:49,303
Two Brits meet, it's the first one
to get a gag out, okay?

1186
01:03:49,392 --> 01:03:52,065
Whether it's irony, satire, siIIiness or...

1187
01:03:52,192 --> 01:03:56,902
We use it as a sword and a shieId
and a medicine,

1188
01:03:56,992 --> 01:04:00,746
but mostIy as a getting-to-know-you.
Are you Iike-minded? Okay?

1189
01:04:00,832 --> 01:04:06,225
So, uh, I toId this joke. I started off IightIy,
in case they didn't Iike that sort of thing.

1190
01:04:06,312 --> 01:04:09,827
I said, ''Why did the IittIe girI
faII off the swing?

1191
01:04:10,592 --> 01:04:12,583
'''Cause she had no arms.''

1192
01:04:13,312 --> 01:04:14,745
Yeah, right?

1193
01:04:14,872 --> 01:04:17,306
Okay, sweet. And they Iaughed.

1194
01:04:17,632 --> 01:04:21,181
A IittIe bit Iouder than that.
There was onIy two of them, so thanks, right?

1195
01:04:21,272 --> 01:04:23,149
So I thought, okay, they get it.
They Iike that sort of thing.

1196
01:04:23,232 --> 01:04:27,828
And, you know, you up the ante a IittIe bit.
And I toId this joke. Oh, okay.

1197
01:04:28,192 --> 01:04:31,389
Let me have a IittIe drink.
Start the car? Right.

1198
01:04:33,392 --> 01:04:35,030
I toId this joke.

1199
01:04:36,392 --> 01:04:39,862
I made sure the oId peopIe couIdn't hear.
Right, right.

1200
01:04:40,072 --> 01:04:42,984
Father, sitting at home, reading the paper.

1201
01:04:43,312 --> 01:04:46,463
His IittIe girI comes running in,
she's onIy six.

1202
01:04:47,032 --> 01:04:49,262
''HeIIo, dear.'' ''HeIIo, Daddy.''

1203
01:04:49,512 --> 01:04:52,265
''What you been doing, then?''
''PIaying in the park.''

1204
01:04:52,352 --> 01:04:55,344
''Oh, with your friends?''
''Yeah, untiI the man came aIong.''

1205
01:04:55,432 --> 01:04:58,071
''TiII the man came aIong?''

1206
01:04:58,472 --> 01:05:00,940
''Yeah, a man came aIong
and he asked my friends to Ieave,

1207
01:05:01,032 --> 01:05:03,182
''so it was just me and him.''

1208
01:05:03,352 --> 01:05:05,343
''DarIing, come over here. Come on, darIing.

1209
01:05:05,432 --> 01:05:08,504
''Whatever happened,
none of it was your fauIt, okay?

1210
01:05:08,592 --> 01:05:11,823
''But teII Daddy every detaiI.
What happened, darIing? What happened?''

1211
01:05:11,952 --> 01:05:15,388
''Um, he took me behind a waII,
so no one couId see what we were doing.''

1212
01:05:15,472 --> 01:05:17,349
''Oh, God, darIing. Then what happened?''

1213
01:05:17,432 --> 01:05:19,150
''Um, he took my dress off.''

1214
01:05:19,232 --> 01:05:21,905
''Oh, God, darIing. What happened then?
What happened then?''

1215
01:05:21,992 --> 01:05:23,220
''Um, he took his thing out.''

1216
01:05:23,312 --> 01:05:25,462
''Oh, God, what happened then, darIing?''

1217
01:05:25,552 --> 01:05:26,541
''Nothing, that was it.''

1218
01:05:26,632 --> 01:05:28,862
''Oh, weII, make something up!''

1219
01:05:48,632 --> 01:05:51,942
Don't teII anyone that.
I want it to be a surprise.

1220
01:05:52,632 --> 01:05:54,031
So I toId that joke, and I carried on,

1221
01:05:54,112 --> 01:05:55,909
we're getting a bit drunk
and I'm teIIing more jokes.

1222
01:05:55,992 --> 01:06:00,144
EventuaIIy, we sat down about 9:45,
they'd put two sort kitchen tabIes together,

1223
01:06:00,232 --> 01:06:03,827
and the hosts sat at either end
and they sat me in the middIe,

1224
01:06:03,912 --> 01:06:06,710
opposite this very sweet,
but very deaf sort of 80-year-oId man,

1225
01:06:06,792 --> 01:06:09,022
so the conversation was a bit stiIted.

1226
01:06:09,112 --> 01:06:11,421
And after about 20 minutes,
Ian, one of the hosts, pipes up and says,

1227
01:06:11,512 --> 01:06:13,707
''Oh, teII that joke.'' ''What?''

1228
01:06:13,872 --> 01:06:16,705
And aII the oId peopIe go,
''Oh, we Iove jokes.''

1229
01:06:16,792 --> 01:06:18,066
''Do you?''

1230
01:06:20,312 --> 01:06:22,143
I Iooked at Ian, he went, ''It'II be fine.''

1231
01:06:22,232 --> 01:06:24,792
I went, ''Okay.'' And he's sort of
got on with his conversation.

1232
01:06:24,872 --> 01:06:27,705
I went, ''Oh, um...'' They're aII Iike that.

1233
01:06:28,072 --> 01:06:30,063
LittIe, sweet, oId faces.

1234
01:06:31,272 --> 01:06:32,307
I went...

1235
01:06:33,552 --> 01:06:35,622
''Uh... Oh, what the fuck...

1236
01:06:36,352 --> 01:06:39,867
''Father, sitting at home reading the paper.
His IittIe girI comes round.''

1237
01:06:39,952 --> 01:06:43,467
ToId the whoIe joke, got to the bit,
''WeII, make something up,''

1238
01:06:43,552 --> 01:06:45,304
and they went, ahem, siIence.

1239
01:06:45,392 --> 01:06:48,190
I Iooked at Ian, he went, ''Not that one!''

1240
01:06:50,752 --> 01:06:54,506
Thanks very much. You've been fantastic.
Good night. Cheers.

1241
01:07:19,112 --> 01:07:20,943
Thank you. Thank you.

1242
01:07:21,232 --> 01:07:23,063
Cheers. Thank you very much.

1243
01:07:23,152 --> 01:07:24,904
Um... Oh, thank you.

1244
01:07:25,272 --> 01:07:30,426
Uh, I shouId... I shouId just say, um,
not a Iot of science.

1245
01:07:31,032 --> 01:07:36,106
Um, but then, if you've come here
to revise for your thesis,

1246
01:07:36,192 --> 01:07:38,342
you're fucked, to be honest.

1247
01:07:38,632 --> 01:07:42,591
I shouId have caIIed it ''An Investigation
Into the RationaI and Non-RationaI.''

1248
01:07:42,672 --> 01:07:46,108
'Cause we impose sort of scientific method
on a few...

1249
01:07:46,192 --> 01:07:47,830
We busted a few myths, remember?

1250
01:07:47,912 --> 01:07:50,745
Fat birds Iosing weight and Iooking attra...
Remember that one? We did that.

1251
01:07:50,832 --> 01:07:54,461
And we Iooked at a few things
you may or may not beIieve in - reIigion,

1252
01:07:54,552 --> 01:07:57,749
or racism, homophobia,
two things I've never been a part of,

1253
01:07:57,832 --> 01:07:59,868
because they're born of ignorance and fear.

1254
01:07:59,952 --> 01:08:05,106
And it's fear that I think threatens
rationaI thought more than anything.

1255
01:08:05,192 --> 01:08:09,549
I've aIways considered myseIf
a sort of IiberaI, rationaI sort of bIoke,

1256
01:08:09,632 --> 01:08:13,944
and then, after 9l1 1,
the worId went a bit crazy.

1257
01:08:14,032 --> 01:08:19,106
UnderstandabIy - the ruIes suddenIy changed
and there was a Iot of anger and fear,

1258
01:08:19,192 --> 01:08:21,990
and finger-pointing and hysteria,

1259
01:08:22,072 --> 01:08:25,064
and I stiII tried to remain rationaI in it aII.

1260
01:08:25,152 --> 01:08:28,144
I'd be in the pub with friends
and I'd be going,

1261
01:08:28,232 --> 01:08:30,143
''No, you can't say that.
That's a generaIisation.

1262
01:08:30,232 --> 01:08:32,029
''Oh, you just read that. No, you don't...

1263
01:08:32,112 --> 01:08:34,580
''That's not true, that's a received wisdom,
that's not a...

1264
01:08:34,672 --> 01:08:36,788
''No, you can't tar everyone
with the same brush.

1265
01:08:36,872 --> 01:08:40,069
''No, it's stiII the safest form of transport.
It's 16 miIIion-to-1 .''

1266
01:08:40,152 --> 01:08:42,188
Trying to remain rationaI. That's in a pub.

1267
01:08:42,272 --> 01:08:45,230
When I'm fIying, it's more Iike,
''Check him again, can we?

1268
01:08:45,312 --> 01:08:46,825
''What the fuck?

1269
01:08:46,952 --> 01:08:49,182
''What, he's getting on? He's getting on my...

1270
01:08:49,272 --> 01:08:52,150
''Can I check him? Can I fucking check him?''

1271
01:08:53,752 --> 01:08:55,822
But that's... That's fear.

1272
01:08:55,952 --> 01:08:57,943
I've aIways been a nervous fIyer, actuaIIy.

1273
01:08:58,032 --> 01:09:01,263
And I fIew before, soon before
and straight after 9l1 1 .

1274
01:09:01,352 --> 01:09:04,230
AIways in and out of, Iike, New York and LA.

1275
01:09:04,312 --> 01:09:10,342
And I try to remain, again, rationaI.
I was thinking, ''No, it's even safer now.

1276
01:09:10,432 --> 01:09:12,263
''It's even safer now. It's harder to...''

1277
01:09:12,352 --> 01:09:15,822
And then I found out that a suicide bomber
doesn't have to get on the pIane now.

1278
01:09:15,912 --> 01:09:17,265
They don't even have to commit suicide.

1279
01:09:17,352 --> 01:09:18,944
Now they can...
They've got heat-seeking missiIes.

1280
01:09:19,032 --> 01:09:21,421
They can take the pIane out
in the first 10 minutes of takeoff.

1281
01:09:21,512 --> 01:09:23,389
So now I'd be on the pIane Iike that.

1282
01:09:23,472 --> 01:09:27,385
''Right, we're out of range.
Now who's got the bomb?'' AII right?

1283
01:09:28,552 --> 01:09:30,747
I fIew a coupIe of weeks after 9l1 1 .

1284
01:09:30,832 --> 01:09:34,620
And it was an internaI fIight
from New York to LA.

1285
01:09:35,432 --> 01:09:38,310
And we get off, I go,
''Right, we're out of range. Okay.''

1286
01:09:38,392 --> 01:09:42,431
And I was stiII a bit nervous,
and I said to the air hostess, I said,

1287
01:09:42,512 --> 01:09:44,423
''Have you got any magazines?''

1288
01:09:44,512 --> 01:09:48,266
And she went, quite Ioud and bIase,

1289
01:09:48,352 --> 01:09:51,310
she went, ''No, honey,
we've got no magazines.

1290
01:09:51,392 --> 01:09:53,781
''We've had to undertake severe cutbacks

1291
01:09:53,872 --> 01:09:57,023
''because we're one of the companies
being sued over 9l1 1 .''

1292
01:09:57,112 --> 01:09:59,068
One, don't mention 9l1 1 .

1293
01:09:59,912 --> 01:10:02,267
SureIy a new ruIebook went round.

1294
01:10:02,352 --> 01:10:04,308
''Don't mention 9l1 1
when you hand out the chocoIates.''

1295
01:10:04,392 --> 01:10:06,030
Just, you know...

1296
01:10:06,712 --> 01:10:09,545
Two, don't say ''severe cutbacks''.

1297
01:10:10,192 --> 01:10:12,342
'Cause I don't think of magazines any more.

1298
01:10:12,432 --> 01:10:15,663
When you say ''severe cutbacks'',
I think of a bIoke in an aircraft hangar

1299
01:10:15,752 --> 01:10:18,744
earIier that week, going,
''Do we reaIIy need aII these rivets?''

1300
01:10:18,832 --> 01:10:19,947
So...

1301
01:10:20,232 --> 01:10:22,063
What terribIe bedside manner that is.

1302
01:10:22,152 --> 01:10:25,986
I mean, I take first-cIass fIights everywhere.
You wouIdn't have it any other way.

1303
01:10:26,072 --> 01:10:29,030
I... I sort of do it for you, reaIIy. And...

1304
01:10:30,432 --> 01:10:32,502
Some of those fIights cost 10 grand.

1305
01:10:32,592 --> 01:10:36,710
And for 10 grand, in a disaster,
I expect my bit of the pIane, at the front,

1306
01:10:36,792 --> 01:10:40,228
to gentIy break off and fIoat down
to a desert isIand.

1307
01:10:41,272 --> 01:10:44,628
It doesn't.
I'd die with the rest of you fucking Iosers.

1308
01:10:46,712 --> 01:10:48,623
That's not fair, is it?

1309
01:10:48,712 --> 01:10:52,261
I know you'd try to save me, but you couIdn't.
Just be...

1310
01:10:52,352 --> 01:10:55,981
I'II probabIy be the onIy one mentioned
on the news. Um...

1311
01:10:57,312 --> 01:10:59,826
You'd be ''450 others''. So that's...

1312
01:11:00,952 --> 01:11:03,625
That's something, I suppose, isn't it?

1313
01:11:03,712 --> 01:11:06,590
No. So, I'm fIying aII the time, right?

1314
01:11:06,912 --> 01:11:08,982
And then it happened, okay?

1315
01:11:09,312 --> 01:11:15,785
I was fIying back from New York, 9l25, BA,
first-cIass, to London, JFK.

1316
01:11:16,232 --> 01:11:20,111
The whoIe week in America,
Ieading up to that fIight,

1317
01:11:20,192 --> 01:11:24,071
on every channeI on TV,
there was a roIIing tickertape

1318
01:11:24,152 --> 01:11:26,950
that said, ''America on red aIert.'' Okay?

1319
01:11:28,072 --> 01:11:33,988
And every buIIetin said, ''We have an inteI
that there's going to be another 9l1 1,

1320
01:11:34,752 --> 01:11:37,983
''this weekend, in New York or LA.

1321
01:11:38,472 --> 01:11:42,511
''Do not fIy, unIess you absoIuteIy have to.''
I had to. I was fiIming.

1322
01:11:42,592 --> 01:11:44,344
''And if you fIy, be extra vigiIant.''

1323
01:11:44,432 --> 01:11:48,710
Okay, so I'm there, I'm the onIy one
in the first-cIass Iounge, right?

1324
01:11:48,912 --> 01:11:51,665
And I'm stiII trying to remain
phiIosophicaI about it.

1325
01:11:51,752 --> 01:11:53,982
I'm thinking, ''Right, today's the day

1326
01:11:54,072 --> 01:11:56,540
''you definiteIy don't try
and get a bomb on the pIane.''

1327
01:11:56,632 --> 01:11:58,224
Do you know what I mean?
You think, ''No, everyone's...''

1328
01:11:58,312 --> 01:12:00,268
Wait tiII Monday, right?

1329
01:12:01,872 --> 01:12:07,026
And I'm there, and about 15 minutes
before boarding,

1330
01:12:07,112 --> 01:12:10,184
into the first-cIass Iounge comes this guy,

1331
01:12:10,272 --> 01:12:14,948
I don't know whether he was North African
or MiddIe Eastern, but he had aII the gear.

1332
01:12:15,032 --> 01:12:16,181
And...

1333
01:12:17,832 --> 01:12:19,311
Beard, everything.

1334
01:12:19,392 --> 01:12:21,667
SteeI attache case, okay?

1335
01:12:22,552 --> 01:12:25,828
Here's your middIe-cIass, rationaI IiberaI.
I go...

1336
01:12:36,272 --> 01:12:39,628
I'm suddenIy just engaging staff
in inane conversation.

1337
01:12:39,712 --> 01:12:42,272
I'm going, ''FIight on time?''
They're going, ''Yeah.''

1338
01:12:42,352 --> 01:12:44,468
I'm going, ''What's the weather Iike
in EngIand?''

1339
01:12:44,552 --> 01:12:47,430
And they're going, ''Oh, it's...''
Like they're going to go, ''It's a bit cIoudy.

1340
01:12:47,512 --> 01:12:49,901
''There he is!'' Right? It didn't...

1341
01:12:49,992 --> 01:12:51,220
Didn't happen, right?

1342
01:12:51,312 --> 01:12:55,624
So now I'm stewing on this,
aII the things for the week Ieading up to it,

1343
01:12:55,712 --> 01:12:59,182
''There's gonna be a 9l1 1, it's gonna be here,
it's gonna be today, it's gonna be New York.''

1344
01:12:59,272 --> 01:13:00,341
Oh, my God, right?

1345
01:13:00,432 --> 01:13:01,911
But now I'm in two minds.

1346
01:13:01,992 --> 01:13:06,463
There's a fight between good and eviI,
between rationaI and irrationaI, okay?

1347
01:13:06,552 --> 01:13:11,262
So this one goes,
''Oh, that's a suicide bomber.''

1348
01:13:12,392 --> 01:13:15,190
''Oh, don't be stupid. What do you know?''

1349
01:13:15,832 --> 01:13:18,027
''That's what they Iook Iike.''

1350
01:13:19,232 --> 01:13:20,870
''Why do you say that?''

1351
01:13:20,952 --> 01:13:24,786
''There's a picture of him on every page
of the Daily Mail.

1352
01:13:25,392 --> 01:13:27,587
''There's... It's him.''

1353
01:13:28,392 --> 01:13:31,111
''Don't be stupid. It's a cIiche.
Don't be stupid.''

1354
01:13:31,192 --> 01:13:32,591
Then he makes a phone caII.

1355
01:13:32,672 --> 01:13:35,789
I can't understand what he's saying,
but he sounds a bit angry, right?

1356
01:13:35,872 --> 01:13:38,591
This one goes, ''Oh, he made a phone caII.''

1357
01:13:38,672 --> 01:13:40,822
This one goes, ''You just made a phone caII.''

1358
01:13:40,912 --> 01:13:42,982
''Yeah, but not in foreign.''

1359
01:13:44,752 --> 01:13:47,061
''Just shut up. Shut up. Stupid.''

1360
01:13:47,272 --> 01:13:49,103
''Oh, I stiII don't...''

1361
01:13:49,752 --> 01:13:51,708
''Why do you think that?''

1362
01:13:52,232 --> 01:13:54,063
''Look at the beard.''

1363
01:13:54,792 --> 01:13:57,943
''He's been checked.
He's been checked, the same as us.''

1364
01:13:58,032 --> 01:13:59,021
''Do they check the beard?''

1365
01:13:59,112 --> 01:14:02,707
''Yeah, they check the beard.
They check the beard, okay?''

1366
01:14:03,632 --> 01:14:05,623
And then I'm sort of...
This is going on in my head,

1367
01:14:05,712 --> 01:14:09,421
and I'm sort of Iooking at him,
absent-mindedIy, sort of staring at him.

1368
01:14:09,512 --> 01:14:12,788
And he catches me Iooking,
and he goes Iike this...

1369
01:14:14,912 --> 01:14:17,142
This one goes, ''Oh, he knows!''

1370
01:14:17,872 --> 01:14:20,022
This one goes, ''No, he knows
why you're Iooking at him.

1371
01:14:20,112 --> 01:14:22,467
''He's had that sort of prejudice, that shit,
for fucking months.

1372
01:14:22,552 --> 01:14:24,861
''Stop Iooking at him.
Shut the fuck up.'' Right?

1373
01:14:24,952 --> 01:14:30,151
But this one starts winning.
The fear starts beating the rationaI, okay?

1374
01:14:30,352 --> 01:14:32,468
It's going, ''WeII, they said it'd be today.''

1375
01:14:32,552 --> 01:14:36,306
''Yeah, I know, but what... But the statistics.''

1376
01:14:36,392 --> 01:14:39,111
''WeII, they're up today, aren't they?
They're up.

1377
01:14:39,192 --> 01:14:40,511
''Yeah, but what...''

1378
01:14:40,592 --> 01:14:44,585
''Don't give it 'It won't happen to us.'
They said that on 9l1 1 .''

1379
01:14:44,792 --> 01:14:45,861
''Yeah, but what about aII the checks?''

1380
01:14:45,952 --> 01:14:48,227
''WeII, they find new ways of getting past
our detectors

1381
01:14:48,312 --> 01:14:50,189
''and then we have to up our game,
and that's...

1382
01:14:50,272 --> 01:14:51,261
''Yeah, you're right.''

1383
01:14:51,352 --> 01:14:54,822
So suddenIy now we've won there,
and I think, ''Oh, my God, this is it.''

1384
01:14:54,912 --> 01:14:58,348
And you know that wave of nausea,
when you suddenIy go, ''Oh, my God.

1385
01:14:58,432 --> 01:15:01,026
''This is it. I'm one of the peopIe
that witnessed... There's a...''

1386
01:15:01,112 --> 01:15:02,943
And I think, ''Okay, yeah, Iet's report him.''

1387
01:15:03,032 --> 01:15:05,910
This one goes, ''No, we can't.''

1388
01:15:06,152 --> 01:15:07,141
''Why?''

1389
01:15:07,232 --> 01:15:09,871
''In case someone thinks we're racist.''

1390
01:15:11,072 --> 01:15:15,224
''What? What the... No!
Let's report him and be a wrong, Iive racist.

1391
01:15:15,312 --> 01:15:16,984
''Let's... Let's...

1392
01:15:18,032 --> 01:15:19,021
''Let...''

1393
01:15:19,112 --> 01:15:23,424
And so I'm there, and I think,
''He is a suicide bomber,

1394
01:15:23,512 --> 01:15:26,743
''I'm going to get on the pIane with him
and I'm going to die.''

1395
01:15:26,832 --> 01:15:29,392
And I have a IittIe breakdown,
and I'm nearIy crying.

1396
01:15:29,472 --> 01:15:32,270
And aII this happens in a few moments,
and I Iook over,

1397
01:15:32,352 --> 01:15:34,547
and he's joined by his wife,
who's got aII the gear,

1398
01:15:34,632 --> 01:15:40,389
and his... And his two IittIe girIs, right?
And I go, ''Oh!

1399
01:15:41,672 --> 01:15:44,664
''Of course he's not
a fucking suicide bomber.

1400
01:15:45,112 --> 01:15:48,422
''If you're off to see 72 virgins,
you don't take the wife and kids aIong.''

1401
01:15:48,512 --> 01:15:49,627
So...

1402
01:15:50,632 --> 01:15:55,148
And I got on the pIane, and I was
sort of reIieved and embarrassed,

1403
01:15:55,232 --> 01:15:56,824
and I saw the funny side of it, and...

1404
01:15:56,912 --> 01:15:59,551
And of course he wasn't a terrorist,
he was a businessman and a famiIy man,

1405
01:15:59,632 --> 01:16:01,862
he was pIaying with his IittIe girIs,
they kept running up and down,

1406
01:16:01,952 --> 01:16:04,068
bumping into my chair,
he wasn't doing anything,

1407
01:16:04,152 --> 01:16:06,222
um, and he was sort of Iike scaring them

1408
01:16:06,312 --> 01:16:07,984
and they were screaming
at the top of their voice, Iike...

1409
01:16:08,072 --> 01:16:12,907
After haIf an hour, I was hoping someone
wouId bIow the fucking pIane up, right?

1410
01:16:14,392 --> 01:16:18,180
But a reaIIy weird thing happened
during that period.

1411
01:16:18,792 --> 01:16:21,386
I got so worried about terrorist attack,

1412
01:16:21,472 --> 01:16:25,147
that I started taking private jets
and heIicopters everywhere,

1413
01:16:25,232 --> 01:16:27,268
just 'cause I was so rich.

1414
01:16:27,352 --> 01:16:28,671
No, I'm...

1415
01:16:30,152 --> 01:16:35,863
No, no, 'cause my... Again, my rationaIe was,
''I'm the onIy person on this pIane,

1416
01:16:35,952 --> 01:16:40,787
''and I definiteIy haven't got a bomb, so...
So we're fine, okay?''

1417
01:16:41,352 --> 01:16:43,820
And I was taking a heIicopter once,

1418
01:16:43,912 --> 01:16:47,222
from Manhattan to the Hamptons
for a screening.

1419
01:16:47,312 --> 01:16:48,825
And I'm waiting for the heIicopter...

1420
01:16:48,912 --> 01:16:52,951
Rewind, two days before that,
I'm in my apartment in New York, okay?

1421
01:16:53,032 --> 01:16:57,150
Just eating my Cheerios,
there's a carton of miIk there.

1422
01:16:57,272 --> 01:17:00,070
And in America they put missing persons
on the miIk cartons.

1423
01:17:00,152 --> 01:17:01,471
I've seen a thousand of them.

1424
01:17:01,552 --> 01:17:07,309
But this one, it was for a chiId,
which is aIways, you know, sadder.

1425
01:17:07,392 --> 01:17:10,065
It's sad when anyone goes missing, but...

1426
01:17:10,152 --> 01:17:13,224
Because of her age, presumabIy
it was an abduction as weII, and...

1427
01:17:13,312 --> 01:17:16,827
And there was aIso a pIea from the mother,
and it was the Ianguage she used,

1428
01:17:16,912 --> 01:17:18,550
it was... It was sad.

1429
01:17:18,632 --> 01:17:20,588
She just said where the girI went missing

1430
01:17:20,672 --> 01:17:23,186
and the name of the girI, which I won't say,
but I remember it, um,

1431
01:17:23,272 --> 01:17:26,947
and she just said, ''Five years oId,
bIonde hair, bIue eyes,

1432
01:17:27,032 --> 01:17:29,341
''aIways happy. PIease heIp me.''

1433
01:17:30,352 --> 01:17:33,310
Two days Iater, I'm in the Lower East Side,

1434
01:17:33,392 --> 01:17:37,305
waiting for this heIicopter, a IittIe heIipad,
it's just a IittIe sort of Iike station there,

1435
01:17:37,392 --> 01:17:39,110
and it's Iike a wharf deveIopment,

1436
01:17:39,192 --> 01:17:42,867
and I'm sort of Iooking down onto a buiIding,
a dereIict buiIding.

1437
01:17:42,952 --> 01:17:47,548
And I Iook down, and someone had put
a brown bIanket up, as a curtain,

1438
01:17:47,632 --> 01:17:49,668
on one of the windows,
sort of gaffer-taped it up,

1439
01:17:49,752 --> 01:17:51,310
and it had faIIen away.

1440
01:17:51,392 --> 01:17:55,704
And I'm sort of Iooking, and I Iook in,
and it's an empty room -

1441
01:17:56,712 --> 01:17:59,385
this is true - except a mattress,

1442
01:17:59,472 --> 01:18:02,270
and a IittIe girI sat on the mattress
with her hands tied.

1443
01:18:02,352 --> 01:18:04,104
And my fucking heart...

1444
01:18:04,192 --> 01:18:07,867
I thought, ''Five years oId, five years oId,
bIonde hair, bIonde hair,

1445
01:18:07,952 --> 01:18:10,546
''bIue eyes, bIue eyes, aIways happy...

1446
01:18:10,632 --> 01:18:12,463
''Crying her eyes out.''

1447
01:18:18,632 --> 01:18:21,226
It couIdn't have been her. I Ieft it.

1448
01:18:21,592 --> 01:18:26,586
Thank you so much. You've been fantastic.
Good night. Cheers. Thank you. Thank you.